Flashback Review: June 21st, 2014 Movie – Carnosaur 2

You can never have too many dinosaur movies. At least, that is what I like to believe. Whether it be my favorite giant radioactive dinosaur (Godzilla), or your mega blockbuster movies like Jurassic Park, if a dinosaur movie is on TV, I will sit down and watch it. Take this movie for instance. I first saw Carnosaur 2 years ago on HBO or Showtime (honestly can’t remember which on but it was one of the premium channels). I would later catch it several times on Sci-Fi/Syfy channel until I picked up the series on DVD.

The plot: At the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Depository, a worker is checking out the lower levels for the cause of some power fluctuations when he is attacked and killed by an unknown creature. A second worker, Joe Walker, heads down and finds several power cables have been chewed up, then finds his nephew Jesse Turner and his friend Davey Lewis, who had broken into a storage room and were grabbing some dynamite. Joe tells Davey to head back to the surface, saying he will call his father later, then takes Jesse back to the surface with him. When they get there, Joe talks with one of the computer technicians, who says a repair team will be out to repair the lines in a couple of hours. Jesse heads over to one of the workmen, who shows him how to operate one of the forklifts, warning him not to throw the switch that activates bay doors, as it would be a 150 foot drop straight down. Joe takes Jesse with him to the mess hall and chastises him for messing with the cables and Jesse asks what cables. Suddenly, they hear the cook scream outside and Joe gets up to investigate when the cook is thrown through the window. Jesse runs and hides as a creature makes it’s way into the mess hall and proceeds to kill everyone there. The next morning, Jack Reed, Monk Brody, Sarah Rawlins, and Ed Moses and called in by their boss, Ben Kahane, and told that they will be heading to Yucca Mountain and that Major Tom McQuade. McQuade tells them that Yucca Mountain is a uranium mine that is having electrical issues and they are the closest team available to be able to fix it, but is evasive on some of the details about the place. They head into a helicopter, piloted by Joanne Galloway, and fly to Yucca Mountain only to find the place deserted and their radio communications is broken up due to interference, meaning they can’t call out for help. When they can’t reach anyone inside the facility, McQuade tells Reed, Monk, and Sarah to search the area while he heads inside the control center with Moses, Ben, and Galloway. Reed and the others find the trashed mess hall, with blood splattered everywhere, and they go to leave when they spot Jesse, who is frozen in shock. They take him to the infirmary, where Ben, McQuade, and Galloway meet them, and Ben says they should get the kid and leave but McQuade tells them to stay there and finish the job, threatening Galloway if she flies them out of there. While Galloway watches over Jesse, McQuade has the others head back to the control room, where Moses is able to get the computers running. They start looking for the problem areas but when Moses and Monk try to get access to the 2 lowest areas, McQuade tells them to ignore them, but he notices that the radiation levels in those areas are registering unsafe. Jesse starts to come around and Galloway takes him into the control room, where Moses is guiding the others to where the problem sections are. When they get down to level C, they find the problem is that the wires are chewed up and Ben threatens to pull his team if McQuade doesn’t let them do their job Reed and Sarah head down to the lower levels and McQuade yells at them to get back but Ben tells him that if he wants them to fix the place, he has to let them do their jobs. Ben, Monk, and McQuade follow Reed and Sarah down to the lower level, where they find the radiation is increasing as well as a large tooth by one of the containers. Suddenly, something grabs Ben and drags him down the corridor and into a shaft to the lowest level, where he is killed, and Reed tells the others to run. In the control room, Jesse hears what happened to Ben and screams out before running off and Galloway chases after him, leaving Moses alone in the room. Moses is trying to get in touch with the others when he is confronted by a Velociraptor, which begins attacking him. Galloway returns but Moses tells her to run as the raptor knocks him into a panel, then drags him up into the ceiling, where it kills him. Jesse heads down into the tunnels and meets up with the others and tells them to follow him out of there. Galloway races back to her helicopter and gets it started, then yells at the others to hurry when she sees them exit the building. Suddenly, a raptor appears in the helicopter behind her and attacks her, causing Galloway to lose control of the helicopter and crash. With no way out of there, McQuade tells them to head back inside and Reed reluctantly agrees but once inside, he forces McQuade to tell them what is going on. McQuade tells them that 2 months ago, a research firm had somehow resurrected dinosaurs and while the army had contained the problem, they found a nest and brought the eggs to the facility for study. Reed decides to try and get the system running again and Jesse tells him to let him try to access the system, as he has been hacking into the system for the past 3 months. As he pulls up the floor plans, Jesse shows Reed a room in Section B and tells him that there is dynamite down there. Reed and Monk go to get the dynamite, despite McQuade protesting against it. When they find the dynamite, McQuade uses the computer to lock them in the room but Reed breaks the lock and continues down, and McQuade heads down to try and stop them. McQuade attacks Monk and knocks him out, then attacks Reed and the two fight. When a warning suddenly sounds saying that they have 2 hours till a meltdown, it distracts McQuade briefly, allowing a revived Monk to knock him out. Monk goes to leave when he is attacked by a raptor but Reed shoots it with a flare gun, killing it. Reed and Monk carry McQuade back to the infirmary and force him to explain what is going on and McQuade admits that the facility is not a mine, but a top secret storage disposal for nuclear material, primarily decommissioned nuclear warheads. Coming up with a way to get help to them, Jesse suggests crashing the system, as an evac team would have to show up at that point. Reed decides to use some dynamite to booby trap the shafts to keep the raptors away from them long enough to keep while Jesse crashes the system. Jesse manages to crash the system but the raptors are able to detonate the dynamite from a distance and make their way to the control room. Jesse leads everyone to the elevator, just as a raptor starts to enter the area but Reed and McQuade are able to hold it off long enough for Monk to get the elevator open and they all pile in. As the elevator starts to ascend, they hear something strike the top of the elevator, just as a raptor’s head burst through the ceiling, grabs Sarah, and drags her up onto the top of the elevator, where it kills her. AS the other stare in shock at what happened, the elevator cables snap and then end up crashing down to the lower levels. Finding  a way out of the elevator, Jesse goes to lead them out of their, saying they have to head to level E and then go up from there, but they encounter more raptors and are forced to avoid the explosives as the raptors chase them. Monk gets hurt when one of the explosives go off and McQuade tells Reed to leave with Jesse while he helps Monk but he is unable to get Monk out of there and as more raptors approach, they decide to kill themselves, taking out the raptors with them. The force of the explosion causes Reed to be knocked over the edge of a pit and Jesse tries to pull him up but Reed ends up falling back to the lower levels. Jesse decides to head to the surface to get some help from the evacuation team, which had just arrived. Jesse tries to get them to go back for Reed but the evac leader says that the place is going to be too hot (radioactively speaking) for them to stay and they should leave now so Jesse goes back on his own, using the freight elevator to reach Reed. Jesse grabs Reed, who says his ribs are broken, and they head back to the elevator but as they make their way through the central area, they are confronted by a Tyrannosaurus. They manage to make it into the elevator, only to see one last raptor on the roof trying to attack them but they manage to reach the roof unharmed. The evac team goes to help them onto the helicopter but Jesse heads back to the elevator to grab the bag with the remote detonator. As he starts to head back, the Tyrannosaurus bursts out of the building, killing one of the evac workers. Jesse gets into the forklift and uses it to battle the Tyrannosaurus, eventually pushing it through the open bay doors to the floor below. Jesse makes it onto the helicopter and as they fly off, Jesse detonates the explosives, destroying the complex and insuring that none of the dinosaurs survived.

So while the original movie might have had a better plot, I liked this movie better. The acting was good, with John Savage (Reed), Cliff De Young (McQuade) and Ryan Thomas Johnson (Jesse) all doing good jobs in their roles. The story was honestly a little weak; and while they did try and tie the movie in with it’s predecessor, they did a poor job of really explaining how the dinosaurs hatched, or survived considering they were stored with the nuclear material. The special effects were ok but I will say that the dinosaurs looked a little better in this movie. That being said, some of the interactions with the humans were somewhat laughably bad, as it really made them look like they were using models, but that was a lot of the fun in watching the movie. One of those movies that is fun to watch and laugh at, or with.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5

January 15th, 2018 Movie – Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is in a few hours when I finish watching today’s movie. I don’t often say I am disappointed with my movie purchases but this series is definitely one I don’t think I would have bought. It’s a bit presumptuous, but this might just cure me of my drunken Amazon spending. Now this was an interesting movie to try and find information about online because there seems to be a slight problem with what this movie is titled. Oh well, might as well get this train wreck over with and watch today’s movie, Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone.

The plot: Well this is going to be an easy enough plot synopsis because THIS MOVIE IS JUST THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN WITH THE SCENES REEDITED IN A DIFFERENT SEQUENCE.

Ok, so this series kind of ended on a high note but there is really nothing redeeming about this movie. There was nothing different about the acting, as it was just as bad as the original movie. The story in this was a little better because instead of jumping around all over the place, it actually had a more linear flow, which made everything easier to follow. Even though they reedited the scenes, they did nothing to improve the sound quality or the fact that they voices didn’t match the mouth movements. So lesson learned, some movies should be avoided at all costs.

Rating: 1/2 out of 5

January 14th, 2018 Movie – Return Of The Roller Blade Seven

Why, dear God why, did I think it would be a good idea to buy the trilogy on DVD. I must be an absolute glutton for punishment. Well, yesterday’s movie was about as terrible of a film as I have seen in my entire life. In regards to a sequel, there really is only one question; can it be any worse. Well, I just jinxed myself by saying that because not this will probably be even worse. Oh well, might as well get this headache out of the way and watch today’s movie, Return Of The Roller Blade Seven.

The plot: Father Donaldo is summoned to meet with Saint O’ffender, who proceeds to talk with Donaldo about the difference between following the light and the dark before Donaldo decides to walk away. Donaldo then heads out and ends up meeting with the Desert Marauder, who asks Donaldo to hear his confession as he feels responsible for how the world has turned out. Meanwhile, Hawk is summoned to the Wheelzone by an astral projection of Saint O’ffender, who tries tempting him to the dark side. As Hawk is camping out, he is attacked and seduced by a naked woman, under orders from O’ffender, but he is saved by Stella Speed, who quickly disappears. Elsewhere, Donaldo meets up with the Spirit Guide, while Hawk and Stella find themselves caught up in a brawl between a large group of Wheelzone marauders and ninjas. As O’ffender continues to try and seduce Hawk to turn to the dark side, Hawk goes to see Tarot and get her advise on what to do. O’ffender continues his attempts to seduce Hawk, bringing out several women to try and seduce Hawk into joining him. At one point, O’ffender has the girls start dancing, with Hawk and himself joining in. While they are dancing, Donaldo suddenly appears and joins in on the fun. Donaldo and O’ffender then continue to debate the issue on the issues of the light and the dark. After reminiscing about the times they were both on the dark side, Donaldo says that the world is changing and he decided to change with it, making it his mission to remove evil from the world. When Donaldo says that he wants to try and turn O’ffender from the dark and asks him for a donation to the building of a new institute, O’ffender says he can’t help. When he offers one of his girls as his donation, Donaldo says that he will turn her to a disciple of light, then says that O’ffender should be punished for what he, as well as the Black Knight and Pharoh, have done to Hawk. Hawk eventually shakes off O’ffender’s attempts to get him to join him and goes to find Donaldo, who is being confronted by a strange costumed figure out on the Wheelzone. O’ffender decides to get revenge by killing Stella but Hawk shows up and stops him, then takes O’ffender to the Master of Light Institute. O’ffender says that he has repented and prepares to join the light as Hawk and Stella embrace and kiss.

As completely off the wall and messed up as the original movie was, this movie is almost as bad. However, the only thing this movie did have going for it was that it did kind of follow a somewhat linear plot line; albeit very, VERY loosely. The acting was as bad as the first movie, with most of the same people returning in the same roles. The story was about as basic as you could get; with O’ffender trying to tempt Hawk to join the dark side. I will say that the random, and bizarre, scene break featuring some guy out in the middle of the desert playing a pair of bongos while girls would sometimes dance near him, including, Stella at one point, was exactly that; bizarre. I also thought it was funny that they had kept the running gag of Madison Monk going around looking for Buddy Holly. The editing was almost as bad as the first movie, but luckily, there was not as many fight scenes so it wasn’t necessary to have them show Hawk kicking the same guy 10 times in a row. This is still not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it is SLIGHTLY better than the original, if only by a millimeter.

Rating: 1/2 out of 5

January 13th, 2018 Movie – The Roller Blade Seven

Folks, I can honestly say that I honestly don’t know what I am getting into with today’s movie but from everything I have read, I am in for one incredibly messed up ride. See, with all the random movies that I have bought over the years, Amazon tends to recommend all sorts of odd, low budget B-movies for me to buy. Today’s movie is one such movie and when I first saw it recommended, I thought it looked absolutely ridiculous. Of course, for some bizarre reason, this managed to pique my interest and I decided to buy it. Of course, I couldn’t just buy this movie on it’s own, but wound up buying the trilogy pack of all three movies in the series. Was this a good idea? I can’t say but we will soon find out as I watch today’s movie, The Roller Blade Seven.

The plot: In an apocalyptic future, Sister Sparrow Goodman is heading out into the Wheelzone and her mentor, Father Donaldo, hands her a sword to use when she confronts evil. Meanwhile, Saint O’ffender approaches Pharoh, the evil overlord that rules the Wheelzone, and is told to bring him Sparrow, as he needs a new psychic to replace his banished sister Tarot. In the Wheelzone, Sparrow returns to Father Donaldo and tells her of the bad feeling that she has, and her visions of her own death. Donaldo has her meditate in the garden on her visions but as she heads outside, she is abducted by Saint O’ffender and his ninjas. Donaldo contacts Hawk, his most accomplished disciple and Sparrow’s brother, and tells him what happened. Hawk is reluctant to head out to the Wheelzone but Donaldo says when he returns, he will have a new bride but warns him that he will find demons and angels in the Wheelzone that will guide him. As Hawk enters the Wheelzone, he is sees Officer Daryl Skates arresting a man named Madison Monk for traveling without wheels (skates or skateboard) and when she sees Hawk walking through, she stops him briefly before allowing him to continue. Hawk is confronted by a trio of ninjas on roller skates but he quickly dispatches them, then catches up to Saint O’ffender and his crew. Hawk tosses a knife to Sparrow, who catches it in her mouth and uses it to kill one of her captors. Hawk then knocks out another kidnapper and, after cutting the ropes around Sparrow’s hands, hands it to her and they prepare to face off against Saint O’ffender and his men but a man in bull armor skates up behind Hawk and knocks him out, allowing Sparrow to be recaptured and taken away. When Hawk regains consciousness, he seeks out Tarot, who gives him some psychedelic mushrooms and leads him on a drug fueled tour of her place. Meanwhile, Sparrow is taken to see the Black Knight, Pharoh’s top enforcer, who begins the process of turning Sparrow into one of Pharoh’s slaves. Hawk is met by a spirit guide, who begins teaching him how to skate on rollerblades and along the way, he encounters a female kabuki mime armed with wiffleball bats, who helps him learn how to fight while on skates. The pair soon find themselves surrounded by a group of bandits, who begin fighting the two, as well as themselves, and Hawk and the mime manage to get away as the fight continues, while a man wrapped entirely in bandages plays a banjo. Meanwhile, the Pharoh, who is confined to a wheelchair due to a skateboarding accident, is discussing why he created the Wheelzone with his aide. Hawk and Kabuki encounter Stella Speed, a pacifist who has a sword but refuses to use it, and she agrees to join them in heading to rescue Sparrow. After a while, the trio encounter some of Pharoh’s men trying to abduct another slave. As they face off with Pharoh’s men, Fuzaki Ninja, the man in the bull armor, arrives and challenges them but Hawk is able to knock him out. As Hawk and the other’s leave, the Pharoh’s aide shows up and helps Fuzaki Ninja up before guiding him away. As Hawk and his friends continue on their journey, they encounter the bandaged banjo player, who circles around them while playing his banjo. Suddenly, a ninja skates up and kills the banjo player and knocks out Kabuki before skating away. Hawk chases after him, and eventually kills him while Stella skates off in the other direction. She is soon chased by a ninja, who corners her but when she refuses to draw her sword at the cost of her own life, he decides to spare her. Later, Hawk tries teaching Stella how to fight with a sword and the are soon joined by Kabuki, who is excited to see her friends again. The Spirit Guide takes them to where Pharoh is and the start to confront him but they find themselves caught in an ambush. Kabuki is killed by one of Pharoh’s men and as the Spirit Guide prays over her body, she is magically captured by the Black Knight, who attempts to force her to join him and the Pharoh, while, Stella is captured and tortured in one of the Pharoh’s prison cells Pharoh, who plans on marrying Sparrow, has Hawk brought before him so he can gloat before having Hawk join Stella and sending Fuzaki and his men to kill them. As they prepare to meet their end, Donaldo, along with the Spirit Guide, are able to cast a spell and knock Fuzaki and his men unconsciousness, allowing them to escape. Later, Donaldo oversees the marriage of Hawk and Stella and then gives them the sacred samurai sword of the Master of Light Institiute before Hawk and Stella hop onto Hawk’s Harley and ride off. Unknown to them, a brainwashed Sparrow and the Desert Marauder are hiding in a car and after Hawk and Stella speed away, they follow them and Sparrow shoots the bike, causing them to wreck, then kills Stella, leaving Hawk alive to chase after them.

There are absolutely no words to describe what I just watched. I’m serious. This was the most convoluted mess of a nonsensical movie I have watched in years. The acting wasn’t the worst I have ever seen but it was definitely bad. The thing that made it worse, and I honestly don’t know if it is just my copy or if this is how the movie really is, but the dialogue was completely out of sync with the actors’ mouths, and I mean worse than old school Japanese dubbing (and in case you didn’t know, that is really bad). The plot was nothing more than a series of ideas that seemed to be held together by silly string, meaning it easily fell apart at the merest touch. The worst part about it was you really had no clue who some of the people are, mainly Stella and Sparrow. For instance, at the end of the movie it seemed like Hawk married Stella but the person pointing the gun to attack them looked just like Stella, making you wonder who he actually married. Another thing that will drive you absolutely mad is the fact that they repeatedly reuse scenes throughout the movie. For a 90 minute movie, It felt like over half of it was simply the same scenes being replayed repeatedly, at times several times in a row at times. Realistically, it was probably less than 30 minutes of reuses footage but that is still way to much. This isn’t one of those “so bad, it’s good” movies, this is one of those movies you watch in order to prove that no matter how bad you feel a movie might be, there is always something worse out there.

Rating: 0 out of 5