action, martial arts, movie, movie review

September 3rd, 2017 Movie – Snake Fist Dynamo

snake fist dynamo

Two martial arts movies in a row. It’s been a while since I have watched multiple martial arts movies. So once again I find myself annoyed over the fact that martial arts movies tend to have multiple titles and sometimes, those movies don’t match with the titles given. Now to find out what kind of movie I have on hand today as I watch Snake Fist Dynamo.

The plot: A teacher is doing some martial arts training while his students watch and cheer him on but he is more of a buffoon than an actual master. When they return to the classroom, they find a man there trashing the place who wants to kick them out of the building. The teacher tries to placate the man but when he tries to fight him, the teacher lures him outside and manages to embarrass the man, who quickly runs away. When the teacher is told that the man will be back with his brothers, he decides to leave so as to avoid causing more problems, and when the man returns with his brothers, they find the class being taught by the teacher’s oldest pupil. The teacher travels through the country and, after being attacked several times by snakes, stops at an inn to rest. While he is there, two ruffians come in and assault the owner and the wife begs the teacher help her. Another patron tells him that he will fight with him and the two end up chasing off the ruffians. The teacher continues on his way and meets another traveler and they begin traveling together, stopping to let a funeral procession go by. As they reach the next town and get something to eat, they realize they have no money so they stage a fake fight to get out of paying. When the townsfolk start chasing after them, they manage to escape but the teacher gets caught up in a fight among the funeral procession, who are fighting over some gold that was found on the hill. As the rumors of the gold on the hill persist, the mayor is asked to put an end to the rumors but things are still going crazy in town so he decides to hire a new security chief and the teacher is hired and he has his new friend help him. The teacher has a run in with some of the mayor’s aides, who are jealous that they were not chosen to be the security chief and they start a fight but the mayor quickly placates them. Later that night, the teacher attempts to break up an illegal casino but the two aides yell at him for doing so. The female workers begin attacking him, while the two aides attack his friend, but the fight is stopped when the mayor arrives and tells the teacher to let it slide. The next day, the teacher encounters the innkeepers wife, who was thrown out by her husband and had been at the casino until he shut it down. She attempts to seduce the teacher into telling her if there really is gold on the hill and he tells her no but there is a cave far off that supposedly contains treasure. The mayor and his assistant release two criminals that the teacher had captured and try to follow them to the treasure but they are killed by a mobster instead. The next day, the teacher and his friend are approached by his former student and the man who attacked them at the school, who begs the teacher to teach him martial arts. As they are talking, they are approached by the mobster and his boss and a fight breaks out between them. The two mobsters are being overwhelmed but the other patron at the inn that helped the teacher shows up with two more men and with their help, they are able to capture the two mobsters.

Ok, this was a short, confusing mess of a movie. The acting was ridiculous, made more so by the dubbing. The main character was an absolute goofball and the dubbing just made him seem completely incompetent. The story made no sense and just seemed like they threw a bunch of ideas out to see what stick. I’m serious, I had no idea what was going on in this movie. The fight sequences honestly looked poorly done and somewhat sloppy, which is saying something considering some of the movies I have seen. The only redeeming quality about this movie is that it was short, but that is about it.

Rating: 1 out of 5

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action, martial arts, movie, movie review

October 2nd, 2017 Movie – The Snake, The Crane, The Tiger

the snake the crane the tiger

If I might have a brief moment of your time, I would like to offer my condolences to the victims of the shooting in Las Vegas. I hate waking up in the morning and the first thing I see is another pointless mass shooting. Now as to today’s movie, I get to go back to watching a classic martial arts movie. It has been a while since I saw one of these and a nice change of pace as far as movies go. So let’s see what is in store for me with today’s movie, The Snake, The Crane, The Tiger.

The plot: The Ming Emperor’s kingdom is being overrun and the emperor decides to deny his enemies the pleasure of killing him by killing himself. His daughter, 3rd Princess Chang Ping, pleads with him not to kill himself but to escape so he can rebuild his kingdom but the Emperor cuts off her arm in an attempt to kill her. When the enemy forces enter the chamber, they find that everyone has committed suicide but Chang Ping has escaped so the leader, Li-Tzu Chang, places a bounty on her. Chang Ping gets word of this and makes plans to leave the city and meet up with her aide later so she can plan her revenge. As Li-Tzu Chang’s men search the city, three of them harass a girl as she is eating when Ping’s aide stops them and embarrasses them and they quickly return with more men but they find she has already left and taunts them with a basket of eggs and a note. Meanwhile, the princess hides from some more men but as she goes to leave, a stranger tells her that she is going to die. She makes her way out of the city and hides in a field but the stranger follows her and tells her to come out. When she doesn’t, the stranger leaps through the air and begins slashing the grass, killing several men that were hiding in the grass. Another man emerges from the grass and offers the stranger a job working for Li-Tzu Chang but the stranger refuses and after a brief fight, kills the man. The stranger then tells Chang Ping to come out and when she asks for his help, he says he will help if she sleeps with him but when he learns she is the princess, he agrees to help her. That night, they attack Li-Tzu Chang but they are outmatched and the stranger tells the princess to run and helps her escape before he is killed. Chang Ping makes her way to a small house in the mountains where she finds a man, Hai Yu-Sha, playing a flute and reciting poetry. Hai Yu-Sha has his servant help the princess but when the emperor’s men arrive and try to take her, he kills them. He then speaks with Chang Ping and has his servant hide her as more men arrive but when they find no sign of Chang Ping, they leave. Meanwhile, Chang Ping’s aide, Tsu Yu, searches for her but finds no sign of her. That night, Hai Yu-Sha tells Chang Ping of how he wants to kill Li-Tzu Chang and she tells him of a secret passage they can use to get into the palace and kill him, unaware that they are being watched by Hai Yu-Sha’s servant. As they reach the palace, they find themselves surrounded and see that Hai Yu-Sha’s servant had betrayed them. However, it is revealed that Hai Yu-Sha was actually the one who betrayed Chang Ping, while the servant is a patriot who kills Hai Yu-Sha and helps Chang Ping escape but is killed in the process. Chang Ping soon falls into a trap but as she fights, Tsu Yu shows up and helps her defeat the soldiers, then tells her where she has gathered some other patriots to help fight but they are unaware that one of the soldiers survived and heard them. Chang Ping and Tsu Yu arrive at the temple but learn that Li-Tzu Chang’s soldiers are coming and so they all hide. As the soldiers hunt for them, Tsu Yu cuts off her arm in order to pose as the princess and tells Chang Ping to hide. When the soldiers find Tsu Yu’s body, they believe it is the princess and take it back to Li-Tzu Chang, but one of the soldiers knows it is Tsu Yu but chooses not to say anything. Li-Tzu Chang decides to go ahead and hold a coronation ceremony to make him king and hangs Tsu Yu’s body in front of the palace. When Chang Ping sees this, it drives her mad and she ends up starting a food fight between two merchants but it is broken up by Butcher Tu. The next day, Chang Ping continues to cause problems in the merchant’s area but when the other store owners capture her, Butcher Tu tells them to leave her alone. That night, Butcher Tu is surprised to see Chang Ping had followed him home and he decides to help her out by giving her a job helping him. When his sick mother asks about Chang Ping, he tells her that she is the girl he will marry, in order to please his mother before she dies. Meanwhile, Li-Tzu Chang learns that a general of the former emperor is heading there with the intention of overthrowing Li-Tzu Chang so he decides to hid in the mountains. The wedding ceremony commences and Butcher Tu tries to explain it to Chang Ping, who seems subdued, but when he goes to tell his mother that he is going to help the other patriots kill Li-Tzu Chang, he finds that she has hung herself, leaving her a note about how she is happy he found someone. In the mountains, Li-Tzu Chang and his men are attacked by the patriots and after killing several of his men, Butcher Tu faces off against Li-Tzu Chang. Li-Tzu Chang is able to get the upper hand and is prepared to kill Butcher Tu but heis saved by Chang Ping. As the last of Li-Tzu Chang’s men appears, he sees the princess is still alive and fights with Li-Tzu Chang to spare their lives. Meanwhile, Chang Ping goes to check on Butcher Tu, who asks why she married him when he learns that she is the princess. Li-Tzu Chang goes to kill them but is eventually killed, though the soldier and Butcher Tu die from the injuries they suffer while Chang Ping goes on to become a nun.

This was a decent movie but a bit confusing. The acting was ok as far as I could tell while the dubbing was the typical ridiculous terribleness that you would expect. The story was confusing as they didn’t seem to clearly explain what was going on half the time. The pacing was also pretty bad as the movie seemed to jump around all over the place and didn’t really give you time to focus on what was going on until the end. The fight scenes were definitely the best part of this movie but there were not a whole lot of them to keep you interested for long, while the story telling portions were just boring. Something to have on in the background but there are better 70’s martial arts movies to watch.

Rating: 2 out of 5

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July 31st, 2017 Movie – Shaolin Temple (1976)

shaolin temple (1976)

Man, talk about a let down. When I first looked up today’s movie, the first link was for a movie from 1982 that starred Jet Li, which got me pretty excited because I thought I would be getting a really good movie. Then I realized the dates were wrong so I had to do some more looking to try and find the correct movie. So let’s see if today’s movie is worth the hassle of looking up as I watch Shaolin Temple (1976).

The plot: In a Chinese palace, the emperor and his court are watching some girls dance but when the performance is over, an aide rushes into the room and says the Minister of War is coming with his army. As the soldiers begin attacking the city, the Minister of War enters the chamber with some of his top lieutenants, who begin fighting with the palace guards. The Minister says that he was never going to be satisfied with just being Minister of War and wanted to be emperor, prompting the emperor’s wife to kill herself, as she had recommended the general to that position. The prince and princess rush to her side to hold her but after her passing, the princess kills herself as well when she learns the minister plans on taking her as her wife. The minister kills the emperor and tries to kill the prince but the last of the emperor’s loyal guards manage to get him out of the palace. They manage to get out of the city but General Ho stays behind to buy his men time to get the prince to safety, telling the prince that he must get stronger so he can avenge his father. The prince and the other soldiers leave and General Ho manages to fend off the soldiers but when the new king’s general attacks him, he finds himself outmatched. The prince returns to sacrifice himself to save General Ho’s life and ends up being struck by a poisoned dart. General Ho is also struck by a poisoned dart but manages to temporarily blind the general and allow them to escape. They reach the river and have a ferryman take them to the other side but General Ho tells his men that the prince has been poisoned and needs medicine from the monastery, then instructing them to take the prince to his home and contact his two daughters to help. General Ho is killed guarding their escape and the general orders the ferryman to come back but the ferryman continues to head to the other side, then kills himself so he can’t be forced to betray the prince. The prince and the two soldiers stop to rest at a temple, with the prince becoming deranged from the poison, but they are forced to hide when some of the king’s soldiers show up for the night. Suffering from the effects of the poison, the prince scares them off when they think he is a ghost. The next day, they continue on their way and one of the soldiers goes ahead to get General Ho’s daughters but while he is gone, the prince runs off in a delusion and the remaining soldier manages to catch up to him but not before he is seen by an old woman and her son. The old woman tells her son not to say anything about what they saw but another man had seen them with the prince and reported it to the general, who kills them when they won’t tell him where the prince went. The soldier returns with General Ho’s daughters and they all start making their way back to their house. When they are attacked by some bandits, one of the daughters stays behind and kills them while the rest head to the house. With the prince’s condition getting worse, one of the daughters heads to the monastery to ask for the cure but the monks tell her she will have to pass several tests in order to receive the cure. Meanwhile, the other daughter and the soldiers go to an inn to get the prince some food but the king arrives. The daughter goes out to fight with the general, killing his guards, but the king gets past her and kills the guard and the prince. When he learns that the prince was merely the other guard acting as a decoy, the king kills the servers in the restaurant, then heads back outside to fight the daughter and learn where the prince is. Back at the monastery, the other daughter enters the temple and must make her way up to the top, battling one of the monks on each floor before reaching the top and managing to obtain the secret cure. Back at the restaurant, the daughter is wounded by the general but manages to injure him as well when he gets distracted by the prince. The daughter is struck by a poisoned dart as she tries to guard the prince but when the general’s attention is distracted by the return of the other daughter, the girl throws the dart into his back and the general is finally killed when the other sister throws her short sword into his back as well. The sisters briefly reunite before the one sister dies from her injuries and, after giving him the medicine, General Ho’s surviving daughter returns to the palace with the prince. At the city walls, they see a sign saying that the king is auditioning for courtesans and the prince decides to use that as a means to sneak into the palace, writing General Ho’s daughter a note thanking her for saving him and to live a good life. The prince disguises himself as a woman and manages to get close to the king, where he promptly stabs him and reveals himself to the court as the prince. The court accept the prince’s claim to the throne and celebrate him as the new king while Ho’s daughter returns to the monastery, to find that the monks she had fought with were actually statues left in their memory.

First off, the movie I watched was not the movie I thought it was going to be. That being said, this was a confusing but somewhat entertaining movie to watch. The acting was ok but the dubbing was pretty bad. The story was definitely unoriginal and has been done numerous times before. I did like the idea of the prince going delusional due to the poison, as those were some funny moments. The fight scenes in the movie were the best part and pretty well coordinated, though they were a little slower paced at times than I would have preferred. Not what I expected and unfortunately, not the best movie I have seen.

Rating: 1 1/2 out of 5

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July 30th, 2017 Movie – Shaolin Deadly Kicks (a.k.a. The Flash Legs)

shaolin deadly kicks

I know that I am excited about Sharknado Week going on right now on Syfy, but I have to admit that today’s movie is kind of bringing back some childhood memories. Mainly due to the fact that it is Sunday and back in the day, Sunday afternoons tended to be when they would show the classic kung-fu movies like today’s movie. Now I have never heard of today’s movie, or most of those types of movies that have been in the Martial Arts box set, but they all seem like the movies that I would have been on back then. So let’s see how entertaining today’s movie is as I watch Shaolin Deadly Kicks.

The plot: A group of bandits known as The Eight Dragons break into a house one night and, after their leader tells them not to kill anyone, they quickly knock out the people inside and begin searching for a treasure map. When they find the map, they go to leave but the owner of the house returns and after one of the Dragons accidentally says who they are, they are forced to kill him and everyone else so as not to leave any witnesses. Hiding out in the woods, one of the Dragons, Scarred Dragon, wants to go ahead and dig up the treasure, with several other dragons agreeing with him. However, Chief Dragon says that they should wait, as there is too much heat after them due to the murders, and suggests waiting three years before going after the treasure. When the other Dragons grow distrustful about his holding the map, Chief Dragon cuts it into 8 pieces and hands each of the Dragons a piece, then tells them they will meet back in 3 years but until then, they should stay out of trouble. Some time later, one of the Dragons has been staying at a brothel but ends up being caught by the police when he tries to steal some stuff to give the madam. In prison, another prisoner suggest they try to escape but the Dragon doesn’t want to at first, as he knows he will be out in a few days, but changes his mind and they come up with a plan with a third prisoner. The third prisoner fakes an illness and when the guard comes to check on him, he steals the keys to the cells and frees them. Later, the Dragon meets up with another member of the group and together, the two Dragons try using their parts of the maps to try and find the treasure, unaware that they are being followed by the police officer that arrested the Dragon bandit. The two dragons, as well as the two other crooks, start digging but find no sign of the treasure when one of the crooks reveals himself to be a police officer named Fong Yee. Fong Yee, along with the other officer, starts fighting the two Dragons and gets their pieces of the map back but the other cop is killed in the fight, as is the other crook. Fong Yee goes to see the third member of the Dragons and informs him that he killed two members of the Dragons and will let him live, plus get a doctor for the man’s son, if he just gives him the map. The Dragon goes to get the map but chooses to fight Fong Yee instead of giving him the map and Fong Yee is forced to kill him, but heads to his family’s house and gives the Dragon’s mother money to pay for the doctor, saying it was from her son. Elsewhere, a woman named Jade is travelling through the forest when she is attacked by a group of bandits. She manages to fend them off for a while but when they start to overwhelm her, Fong Yee shows up and manages to defeat or chase them off. Jade and her escorts thank Fong Yee and as they go their separate ways, Jade keeps looking back at Fong Yee as he walks away. Later, One of the Dragons hears about the three deaths and sets a trap for Fong Yee, having a snitch spread false rumors about where the Dragons will be meeting. When Fong Yee gets there, the Dragon’s men use smoke bombs to distract Fong Yee, then throw bamboo spears at him. Fong Yee appears to be killed and one of the men goes down and retrieves the pieces of the map but Fong Yee, knowing it was a trap, had faked his death and then uses a disguise to confront the Dragon and retrieve the map pieces. As he is leaving the city, Fong Yee comes across a fifth member of the Dragons and gets the piece of the map from him but spares his life. Later, Fong Yee sneaks into the home of the 6th Dragon member and tries to steal his piece of the map but ends up being captured, while the Dragon bandit kills his brother, who was the Dragon that Fong Yee had spared. Fong Yee manages to escape, freeing a forced bride on his way out, and returns the next day to reclaim the piece of the map. After defeating the Dragon’s guards, he begins fighting the Dragon, who uses a blade to cut up Fong Yee, but Fong Yee manages to defeat him. The Dragon hands over the map piece but as Fong Yee goes to leave, the Dragon throws a poisoned knife into Fong Yee’s back and Fong Yee kills the Dragon before stumbling out of the house. Making his way into the woods, Fong Yee pulls out the knife from his back but ends up passing out from the poison. When he comes too, he finds himself in a house with his wounds bandaged. Jade appears and tells him that she found him and the woods and brought him to her home, where she had her father help cure him of his poison. When Fong Yee asks about his clothes, Jade says she washed them, then hands him the pieces of map he was carrying. Jade goes to get more medicine for Fong Yee from her father, who happens to be the Chief Dragon, and he starts asking her questions about Fong Yee. When Chief Dragon finds the poisoned knife in the woods, he realizes Fong Yee is the one who killed the other Dragons and tries to kill him several times but is stopped by the appearance of Jade, who has fallen in love with Fong Yee. When Chief Dragon heads into town one day, he sees Scarred Dragon waiting for him, who reminds him that the 3 years is almost up. Wanting to keep Jade from knowing his past, and fearing for her safety with Scarred Dragon around, Chief Dragon speaks with Fong Yee and asks that he leave town and Fong Yee agrees to go but Jade overhears them talking and gets upset. Fong Yee talks with Jade and tells her the truth about who he is and what he has been doing and Jade asks what he will do when he finds the other two. Meanwhile, Scarred Dragon wants to kill Fong Yee after finding the pieces of the map and learning how he killed the other Dragons but Chief Dragon refuses to let him. Chief Dragon gives Scarred Dragon his piece of the map, as well as the ones Fong Yee collected, and asks that Scarred Dragon just leave and spare Fong Yee but Scarred Dragon kills Chief Dragon. When Jade and Fong Yee return to the house, they find Chief Dragon dead and quickly go off in search of Scarred Dragon. When they catch up to him, Scarred Dragon uses his clawed grapples to fight with them but and injures both of their legs. He then scales the top of a tower to use the map and find the treasure, knocking Fong Yee off the tower when he climbs up after him. Seeing the grapple on the ground, Fong Yee uses it to try and grab Scarred Dragon but ends up ripping open his bag of explosive powder. A distracted Scarred Dragon ends up falling through the week ceiling of the tower and Fong Yee grabs Jade and they run as the powder explodes, killing Scarred Dragon.

This is actually a pretty decent movie. The acting was pretty good, with the usual dubbing issues you would expect to find in one of these movies. The story was pretty straight forward and once it was established who Fong Yee was, there was nothing really surprising about it. I did like how Chief Dragon basically tried to turn his life around by becoming a healer, and the third one was also going straight, while the other Dragons seemed to continue doing evil things. The fight scenes were a lot of fun to watch and reasonably well coordinated. Plus, they had all the cool “whooshing” sound effects that you would expect from one of these movies. Some mindless entertainment to enjoy, but not worth hunting down.

Rating: 2 1/2 out of 5

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July 26th, 2017 Movie – Shadow Ninja

shadow ninja

So this should be interesting. When I first attempted to look up today’s movie, I could not find it online. Now that is not an unusual occurrence with some of the movies from the Martial Arts box set so I had to add a little more information to my initial search. I eventually was able to find some information  on the movie, enough to get some idea of what I was getting into. So let’s see how good, or bad, of a movie I have here in today’s movie, Shadow Ninja.

The plot: A veteran police officer named Kern is returning to his post with a grave robber when some men try and trick him and free his prisoner but the prisoner returns, allowing Kern to save face. Meanwhile, Kern’s wife is trying to get some lucky numbers to place some bets but is forced to stop when Kern comes home, and the two end up arguing about her gambling problem. Elsewhere, a young man is walking through the woods when he is attacked by two men demanding his money but he manages to use his martial arts skills to defeat them. The young man stops at a gambling den to rest when Kern shows up and has everyone line up so he can frisk them. When he finds a knife on one of the men, he takes him behind a wall, where he attempts to beat him up. When the man escapes, the young man chases after him and starts fighting him but the man says he is a police informant, which is corroborated by Kern when he catches up to them. The young man asks Kern about becoming a police man and Kern laughs him off but when he returns to the station, he finds the young man, Ah Keung, has signed up and the chief has decided to partner him with Kern. Kern decides to try and show Keung around town and has him frisk a known criminal but the criminal tricks Hun into paying him to avoid it looking like Keung is beating an innocent person. After the criminal leaves, Kern catches him and gets Keung’s money back, then treats him to lunch. As they are eating, a man steals a steamed bun but when the owner hits him in the head for stealing, the man becomes deranged with pain and begins slashing at everyone with a cleaver. At the same time, a man is robbing a bank but when he tries to leave, he encounters the madman and they both end up hiding from the crowd inside the bank. Kern and Keung show up and they come up with an idea to get Keung inside but the crooks lock the doors as the sounds of fighting commence but when Keung is tossed through the doors, it is shown that he had managed to tie the crooks hands together. Kern’s wife manages to earn some money selling costumes and immediately spends it gambling but she looses it, which upsets Kern. Kern attempts to get her money back from the gambling den but ends up getting beat up by 4 criminals and Keung is forced to chase them away. Keung then vows to get revenge for him and proceeds to ruin the gambling den before beating up the men that try to stop him. Master Wang, the leader of the gang that runs the gambling den, orders Keung to be killed and he ends up being stabbed by a woman pretending to be in distress, but he manages to fight off some other attackers before collapsing to the ground, where Kern finds him. Kern takes him back to his house so his wife can treat Keung’s injuries and she tells Keung that he doesn’t have to do this but Keung insists on continuing and goes back to destroy the gambling den. Wang sends one of his top assassins after Keung but Keung manages to defeat him. Meanwhile, Wang discovers that his wife was having an affair and goes to kick her out of his home but comes up with a different plan on getting rid of her. Wang disguises himself all in white, then kills his wife and when Keung arrives at the scene, having heard her screams, Wang throws a knife at Keung before disappearing. When other people arrive, they think Keung killed the woman at first but Kern arrives and says he is innocent and that they will look for the killer. When Kern’s informant is found dead, Keung goes to investigate and sees the killer in white again but he disappears and once again, Keung is blamed for the death. Kern fakes attacking him in order to help Keung escape the mob and later, they figure that he is being framed. Meanwhile, Wang is talking with his henchman and says that he intends to have Keung take out his rival, the real white killer, but then kills his henchman for knowing too much. Kern is talking with the chief about the situation and the chief tells him that the man known as the white killer is arriving in town today. Kern realizes that Wang is setting it up so that Keung will fight him and rushes to his house to try and warn him. At Kern’s house, Kern’s wife is killed by Wang and Keung chases after him while Kern, who just arrives, holds his dying wife in his arms before following. Wang leads Keung towards the real white killer and when Keung sees him, he starts attacking him. The white killer manages to get the upper hand on Keung by trapping one of his hands in a manacle attached to his leg, but Wang uses the distraction to kill white killer himself. As Wang taunts Keung, Keung tries to fight him but he is held back due to still being restrained by the manacle. Kern shows up and Keung tells him to run but when Kern tries to help him, Wang kills him. Keung manages to get free and attacks Wang but Wang is able to get the upper hand. When Keung manages to hide underneath a platform, Wang tries to find him but he gets distracted by Kern’s body and Keung is able to use the distraction to grab Wang’s sword and kill him.

This is about what I expected I would get; a fairly generic and rather unremarkable martial arts movie at a time where they were being produced about by the dozen. The acting was ok but the dubbing was truly atrocious, which made it incredibly funny to watch. The story was pretty confusing to be honest and seemed to go in a completely different direction from when it started. The fight scenes were pretty well choreographed and had all of the “whooshing” sound effects that you would expect from one of these movies. If you want some mindless martial arts action, than this movie can fill that role, but don’t expect it to be much more than that.

Rating: 2 out of 5

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June 4th, 2017 Movie – Robo Vampire

robo vampire

Ahh, my favorite bit of false advertising when it comes to movies. Take a look at the poster for this movie. Pretty awesome, right. I mean, you have Robocop holding some guy in a headlock while firing a machine gun. What’s not to like about that. Well, when I finally got a chance to watch it, man was I in for a disappointment. See for yourself.robo vampire suit
See, this is what you wind up getting in the movie. Definitely a bit of a disappointment, but let’s see if the rest of today’ movie is just as disappointing as I watch Robo Vampire.

The plot: Two soldiers are leading their prisoner through am old graveyard when one of them trips and accidentally knock open a casket covered in holy seals. As the soldier starts to get up, a hand reaches up out of the crypt and a vampire attacks and kills him, then kills the second soldier as he is struggling with the prisoner. Elsewhere, some drug smugglers are bringing in some drugs when they are confronted by an anti drug unit and forced to flee. At his headquarters, Cole, the boss of the drug operation, is yelling at his henchmen about Agent Tom Wilde and his Anti-Drug force. He tells them that he has hired someone to train vampires to kill Tom, and find a new way to smuggle their heroin. At a temple, two men, Tony and Ken, are stuffing packets of drugs into coffins when the vampires inside the coffins wake up and start attacking them. The doctor that is training the vampires manages to rescue Tony and Ken, using wards to subdue the vampires, and afterwards, examines the drugs and finds that they are actually rice powder and says that Boss Cole will punish them. As Cole informs his workers about the new way they will be smuggling their drugs, a woman is shown cutting open a cow’s stomach and placing drugs inside before sealing it closed. As the doctor is creating another vampire beast for two of Cole’s men, he is attacked by a ghost, who is seeking vengeance on him for turning her love into a vampire beast. As the ghost gets the upper hand over the doctor, the doctor wakes the vampire beast and has him fight the ghost but he stops when the ghost is able to get him to recognize her. As the doctor grows upset, one of Cole’s men suggests giving them the wedding that the two lovers were denied in life and the doctor agrees to do this provided that both the ghost and vampire agree to do his bidding and the ghost accepts. The next day, Tom gets a tip from a double agent named Sophie about a drug run and he heads out with a team to stop them. Two of Tom’s agents are killed, as are the two bodyguards but the doctor is able to summon two vampires to kill Tom and the remaining agent, then drives away. Tom’s body is recovered and a scientist is given permission to use his body to create an android to continue the drug task force’s operation. Meanwhile, the doctor and Richard, one of Cole’s lieutenants, discuss the fact that they have a traitor in their midst and the doctor suggests killing every drug task force officer the encounter. Cole’s men capture Sophie, who was undercover posing as an assistant to a priest that was a front for the drug smuggling. Worried about Sophie possible being tortured and giving up classified information, the task force hires someone to head to the Golden Triangle and rescue her from Mr. Young, Cole’s partner. Meanwhile, the doctor and Richard continue their operations and when they are stopped by some of the task force, the doctor summons a vampire to deal with them. Suddenly, the android Tom shows up and the doctor and Richard make a run for it as Tom begins fighting the vampire. Meanwhile, the team to rescue Sophie is ambushed by Young’s men but they find themselves rescued by a mercenary named Andy, whom Ray, the team leader, had contacted about joining the mission due to his knowledge of the region and his own reason to take down Cole. Ray, finds one of the men that was holding Sophie hostage and manages to capture him. As he starts to interrogate him, the man’s mocking causes Ray to almost kill him but Andy stops him at the last second. Meanwhile, Tom is continuing to track down Cole and his men when he is attacked by 4 vampires. Tom manages to fight them off only for Cole’s men to blow him up with a bazooka so the scientist is forced to rebuild him. Ray and the team continue searching for Sophie and after an encounter with some of Cole’s men, they find the people of a nearby village had been completely killed off. Elsewhere, the doctor is performing the marriage ceremony for the ghost and vampire and as they are consummating the marriage, Tom shows up. The ghost begs him not to kill them and Tom, spurred on by memories of his own love, chooses to let them live. As he leaves, the ghost and vampire attack him but he is able to fend them off and trap them inside a coffin. Meanwhile, Ray and Andy’s sister, May, had snuck off to be alone and find themselves chased by Young and some of his men. They try to get away but end up being captured and tortured just like Sophie was but one of the worker girls chooses to help them escape. At the same time, Andy leads the rest of the team to rescue them and two members are killed but they are able to free Ray and the others, rescue Sophie, and blow up Young’s base. Cole is complaining about Young’s defeat and asks the doctor to help him re-establish his empire but before they get started, Tom shows up. The doctor summons his vampires and Tom ends up fighting them throughout the city. Meanwhile, the doctor is attacked by the ghost but he manages to kill her. Seeing Tom finishing off the last of his vampires, the doctor summons some more and as Tom fights them, he plans to use his magic to make them stronger but the ghost returns and kills the doctor, allowing Tom to kill the last of the vampires and leave the city.

This is the most confusing, ridiculous movie I have seen in quite a while, and it is absolutely hilarious because of it. The acting was ok but the dubbing was pretty atrocious at times, which really added to the humor of the movie. The funniest part though was how the vampires moved, because they would hold their arms straight out and just hop around to move. I almost literally was rolling on the floor laughing at that. The story was a confusing mess, as it kept switching back and forth between the robo-warrior Tom and Ray’s mission to rescue Sophie. It honestly felt like two separate movies were being smashed together to try an make one full movie but they left out half of the important plot elements. The special effects were about as low budget as you would expect, from the cheap looking robot suit to the fact that you could see some wires for the vampires in some scenes, like when Tom uses his flamethrower to kill a vampire and you see the flames catch the wire holding the dummy on fire. There were also several times where you can blatantly see the dummies being blown up or thrown around which was really funny. Not a great movie by any standards but definitely funny in a bad way and worth watching if you want to laugh at something completely ridiculous.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5

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action, comedy, martial arts, movie, movie review

May 13th, 2017 Movie – Return Of The Kung Fu Dragon

return of the kung fu dragon

So I go from a great martial arts movie yesterday to what could be a completely disappointing martial arts movie today. Yes, today’s movie comes from the Martial Arts box set, which has been rather hit or miss in terms of how enjoyable these movies are. Then again, maybe I am being too harsh regarding this set. I mean, not every movie is going to be a Bruce Lee caliber movie in terms of skill, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t entertaining. I mean, I loved the old school martial arts movies with the over dramatic “whooshing” noises during the fights as a kid. So I will do my best to keep an open mind and not to pre-judge today’s movie, Return Of The Kung Fu Dragon.

The plot: A long time ago in the South China Sea, there was an island known as Phoenix Island. The capital city, known as The Golden City, was ruled by a kind emperor and protected by his three loyal generals, who created a new style of kung fu. However, an evil Tyrant known as General Black has assembled an army to attack the Golden City. While the emperor is on a hunting trip, Black has his evil wizard, who has found an item known as the Dragon’s Head, to attack and kill the emperor, as well as his body guards. With them dead, Black then sends his army to attack the city. Despite the efforts of the two surviving generals, the Golden City is overrun after an all day siege so one of the generals, Mah Tsen-Kung, heads to the palace to try and save the empress and her daughter while the other does his best to hold back to invading army, but he is soon killed by Black. Mah Tsen-Kung finds the empress, Yen C, who begs him to save her daughter, and he does so but as he is preparing to leave, his own wife and daughter appear and ask him to help them escape as well. Mah Tsen-Kung begs their forgiveness but says that he can’t, as he has a duty to the royal family, and he leaves with the princess. Mah Tsen-Kung’s wife is killed shortly after he leaves while Mah Tsen-Kung is shot with an arrow as he goes over the city wall. With Black’s troops looking for him, Mah Tsen-Kung encounters an old man in the woods and ask that he take the princess to Hsiang Shou-Tien and the old man reveals that he is Shou-Tien. When Black’s troops show up and try to capture them, Hsiang Shou-Tien cast a spell that envelopes the mountain in fog, saying that nobody will be able to pass through the fog for 19 years, then heads up the mountain with the princess and his assistants. 19 years later, Yen C is shown to have survived and has raised a daughter with Black. Her daughter, Ma Chan-Chen, asks her why she ties a ribbon around an archway every year for the last 19 years and Yen C replies that it will be up to her to untie them. When Black shows up, Ma Chan-Chen teases him by showing off her kung fu skills, then leaves to go for a walk. As she wanders through the city, she encounters a man selling steamed buns and grabs one but when the salesman demands payment and she refuses, the salesman uses his martial arts to try to get the bun back from her. As the two fight over the bun, Ma Chan-Chen ends up grabbing several more from his basket and then drops them on the ground but one of the city’s guards offers to pay for the buns. As Ma Chan-Chen leaves, the guard confronts the salesman over causing trouble and sends his men to grab him but the salesman is able to fend them off, then escapes when Ma Chan-Chen intervenes. Meanwhile, Hsiang Shou-Tien is explaining to the princess, Hsiao Yu, that the fog will soon disperse but she will not be able to defeat Black. He tells her that the only ones who could defeat Black are the descendants of the three generals, then sends his servant, Hou Ping, to see  Yen C and have her recruit the Black Girl to their cause. Hou Ping uses his ability to disappear and reappear and makes his way to the Golden City and delivers Hsiang Shou-Tien’s letter to Yen C. After reading it, Yen C says the day has finally arrived and tells Hou Ping that she will locate Ma Chan-Chen, who happens to be the Black Girl, and tell her the truth. Yen C tells Ma Chan-Chen that she is the daughter of Ma Tsen-Kung, and she raised her when her mother was killed during the attack 19 years ago. She then tells her that the mark she has on her back is shared by the other descendants of the generals and she must locate them. Meanwhile, Hsiang Shou-Tien sends Hsiao Yu to the city to meet with the descendants but the evil wizard sees her leaving the mountain and has the generals arrest all of the teenage girls entering the city. Hsiao Yu enters the city and seeing the guards arresting all of the girls, she tries to help some of them and the guards start chasing after her. One of the guards, a friend of Ma Chan-Chen named Che Kwan Yu, catches up to Hsiao Yu and it is revealed that he is one of the descendants and the two fake a fight in order to keep up his appearance of a loyal soldier. Hsiao Yu meets up with Hou Ping and they try to escape but end up being caught by the evil wizard. Ma Chan-Chen meets with Che Kwan Yu, revealing she knows who he is, and says she will help free Hsiao Yu and Hou Ping while he gets the last descendant. Che Kwan Yu goes to the home of Pao Ta-Hsiung, the steamed bun salesman, and talks to him, revealing Pao Ta-Hsiung to be the last descendant. Pao Ta-Hsiung refuses to listen but after Che Kwan Yu leaves, his father tells him the truth. Che Kwan Yu is attacked by his own men, who have been ordered to kill him by the evil wizard, but Pao Ta-Ksiung shows up and helps him defeat them, while Ma Chan-Chen frees Hou Ping, but makes it appear as if it was by accident. Meanwhile, Black orders Hsiao Yu to be killed but the evil wizard convinces him to use her as bait to capture the others. He places Hsiao Yu in a place that only he can get out of but Ma Chan-Chen is also able to enter the prison and frees Hsiao Yu. She then takes her to see Yen C, who tells Ma Chan-Chen that she must go to see Hsiang Chou-Tien. Hsiao Yu disguises herself as Ma Chan-Chen but ends up being captured again by the evil wizard. Meanwhile, Hou Ping, Che Kwan Yu, and Pao Ta-Hsiung are preparing to head back to the city when they are attacked by some of Black’s men but they end up being rescued by Hsiang Chou-Tien’s son. HE tells them that he is there to help destory the evil wizard’s mirror, then gives them an object that will cause the mirror to explode. The three head to the city and Pao Ta-Hsiung goes to place the device near the mirror but he ends up being captured. Ma Chan-Chen returns and meets with Che Kwan Yu and they try to come up with their own plan but are interrupted by the arrival of Black. Meanwhile, the evil wizard had been studying the device and places it down near the mirror while he meditates and it ends up succeeding in destroying the mirror. Che Kwan Yu is able to use the distraction to free Pao Ta-Hsiung and Hsiao Yu and they make their escape. Meanwhile, the evil wizard has Hsiang Chou-Tien’s son captured and uses him as bait in order to trap Ma Chan-Chen, who he suspects has turned against Black. Ma Chan-Chen goes to free him only to be confronted by Black and during the fight, Hsiang Chou-Tien’s son is knocked into the pool of acid and killed. Ma Chan-Chen escapes and goes to get her mother but they are attacked by the guards and Yen C is killed. Ma Chan-Chen continues to run and encounters Black but she is saved by Che Kwan Yu and Pao Ta-Hsiung. The three meet up with Hsiao Yu and Hou Ping and make a plan to destroy the Dragon’s Head. Hou Ping goes to grab the Dragon’s Head, convincing the wizard’s assistant to let him steal it. However, the wizard catches him and Hsiao Yu tries to save him. Ma Chan-Chen is fighting with Black but goes to help Hsiao Yu. When the wizard’s assistant gets a hold of the stick, everyone asks her to give it to them but she ends up giving it to Hou Ping. The wizard kills the assistant then knocks Hou Ping over the rail overlooking the volcano. The heat from the volcano burns Hou Ping’s legs but he refuses to drop the stick until it is noon, as the stick will not work until then. When Hou Ping finally sacrifices himself, the resulting explosion knocks Black and the wizard off their feet and destroys the wizard’s prison. Ma Chan-Chen, Che Kwan Yu, and Pao Ta-Ksiung combine their attacks and kill Black, but Pao Ta-Ksiung dies as well. Ma Chan-Chen, Che Kwan Yu, and Hsiao Yu then work together to kill the wizard and finally bring peace back to Phoenix Island.

Man, this was one confusing movie. The acting was ok I guess, though it was a little hard to tell with the dubbing. The basic story sounded good but they way they developed it just made it overly confusing and hard to follow at times. The fight scenes were definitely the best part of this movie and several of them were very entertaining, although some of the ones involving Hou Ping were pretty ridiculous and a little too comical at times. Not completely terrible, but definitely not something I would go out of my way to watch again.

Rating: 2 out of 5

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