action, movie, movie review, sci-fi

January 15th, 2018 Movie – Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone

the legend of the roller blade seven

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is in a few hours when I finish watching today’s movie. I don’t often say I am disappointed with my movie purchases but this series is definitely one I don’t think I would have bought. It’s a bit presumptuous, but this might just cure me of my drunken Amazon spending. Now this was an interesting movie to try and find information about online because there seems to be a slight problem with what this movie is titled. Oh well, might as well get this train wreck over with and watch today’s movie, Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone.

The plot: Well this is going to be an easy enough plot synopsis because THIS MOVIE IS JUST THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN WITH THE SCENES REEDITED IN A DIFFERENT SEQUENCE.

Ok, so this series kind of ended on a high note but there is really nothing redeeming about this movie. There was nothing different about the acting, as it was just as bad as the original movie. The story in this was a little better because instead of jumping around all over the place, it actually had a more linear flow, which made everything easier to follow. Even though they reedited the scenes, they did nothing to improve the sound quality or the fact that they voices didn’t match the mouth movements. So lesson learned, some movies should be avoided at all costs.

Rating: 1/2 out of 5

action, movie, movie review, sci-fi

January 14th, 2018 Movie – Return Of The Roller Blade Seven

return of the roller blade seven

Why, dear God why, did I think it would be a good idea to buy the trilogy on DVD. I must be an absolute glutton for punishment. Well, yesterday’s movie was about as terrible of a film as I have seen in my entire life. In regards to a sequel, there really is only one question; can it be any worse. Well, I just jinxed myself by saying that because not this will probably be even worse. Oh well, might as well get this headache out of the way and watch today’s movie, Return Of The Roller Blade Seven.

The plot: Father Donaldo is summoned to meet with Saint O’ffender, who proceeds to talk with Donaldo about the difference between following the light and the dark before Donaldo decides to walk away. Donaldo then heads out and ends up meeting with the Desert Marauder, who asks Donaldo to hear his confession as he feels responsible for how the world has turned out. Meanwhile, Hawk is summoned to the Wheelzone by an astral projection of Saint O’ffender, who tries tempting him to the dark side. As Hawk is camping out, he is attacked and seduced by a naked woman, under orders from O’ffender, but he is saved by Stella Speed, who quickly disappears. Elsewhere, Donaldo meets up with the Spirit Guide, while Hawk and Stella find themselves caught up in a brawl between a large group of Wheelzone marauders and ninjas. As O’ffender continues to try and seduce Hawk to turn to the dark side, Hawk goes to see Tarot and get her advise on what to do. O’ffender continues his attempts to seduce Hawk, bringing out several women to try and seduce Hawk into joining him. At one point, O’ffender has the girls start dancing, with Hawk and himself joining in. While they are dancing, Donaldo suddenly appears and joins in on the fun. Donaldo and O’ffender then continue to debate the issue on the issues of the light and the dark. After reminiscing about the times they were both on the dark side, Donaldo says that the world is changing and he decided to change with it, making it his mission to remove evil from the world. When Donaldo says that he wants to try and turn O’ffender from the dark and asks him for a donation to the building of a new institute, O’ffender says he can’t help. When he offers one of his girls as his donation, Donaldo says that he will turn her to a disciple of light, then says that O’ffender should be punished for what he, as well as the Black Knight and Pharoh, have done to Hawk. Hawk eventually shakes off O’ffender’s attempts to get him to join him and goes to find Donaldo, who is being confronted by a strange costumed figure out on the Wheelzone. O’ffender decides to get revenge by killing Stella but Hawk shows up and stops him, then takes O’ffender to the Master of Light Institute. O’ffender says that he has repented and prepares to join the light as Hawk and Stella embrace and kiss.

As completely off the wall and messed up as the original movie was, this movie is almost as bad. However, the only thing this movie did have going for it was that it did kind of follow a somewhat linear plot line; albeit very, VERY loosely. The acting was as bad as the first movie, with most of the same people returning in the same roles. The story was about as basic as you could get; with O’ffender trying to tempt Hawk to join the dark side. I will say that the random, and bizarre, scene break featuring some guy out in the middle of the desert playing a pair of bongos while girls would sometimes dance near him, including, Stella at one point, was exactly that; bizarre. I also thought it was funny that they had kept the running gag of Madison Monk going around looking for Buddy Holly. The editing was almost as bad as the first movie, but luckily, there was not as many fight scenes so it wasn’t necessary to have them show Hawk kicking the same guy 10 times in a row. This is still not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it is SLIGHTLY better than the original, if only by a millimeter.

Rating: 1/2 out of 5

action, movie, movie review, sci-fi

January 13th, 2018 Movie – The Roller Blade Seven

roller blade seven

Folks, I can honestly say that I honestly don’t know what I am getting into with today’s movie but from everything I have read, I am in for one incredibly messed up ride. See, with all the random movies that I have bought over the years, Amazon tends to recommend all sorts of odd, low budget B-movies for me to buy. Today’s movie is one such movie and when I first saw it recommended, I thought it looked absolutely ridiculous. Of course, for some bizarre reason, this managed to pique my interest and I decided to buy it. Of course, I couldn’t just buy this movie on it’s own, but wound up buying the trilogy pack of all three movies in the series. Was this a good idea? I can’t say but we will soon find out as I watch today’s movie, The Roller Blade Seven.

The plot: In an apocalyptic future, Sister Sparrow Goodman is heading out into the Wheelzone and her mentor, Father Donaldo, hands her a sword to use when she confronts evil. Meanwhile, Saint O’ffender approaches Pharoh, the evil overlord that rules the Wheelzone, and is told to bring him Sparrow, as he needs a new psychic to replace his banished sister Tarot. In the Wheelzone, Sparrow returns to Father Donaldo and tells her of the bad feeling that she has, and her visions of her own death. Donaldo has her meditate in the garden on her visions but as she heads outside, she is abducted by Saint O’ffender and his ninjas. Donaldo contacts Hawk, his most accomplished disciple and Sparrow’s brother, and tells him what happened. Hawk is reluctant to head out to the Wheelzone but Donaldo says when he returns, he will have a new bride but warns him that he will find demons and angels in the Wheelzone that will guide him. As Hawk enters the Wheelzone, he is sees Officer Daryl Skates arresting a man named Madison Monk for traveling without wheels (skates or skateboard) and when she sees Hawk walking through, she stops him briefly before allowing him to continue. Hawk is confronted by a trio of ninjas on roller skates but he quickly dispatches them, then catches up to Saint O’ffender and his crew. Hawk tosses a knife to Sparrow, who catches it in her mouth and uses it to kill one of her captors. Hawk then knocks out another kidnapper and, after cutting the ropes around Sparrow’s hands, hands it to her and they prepare to face off against Saint O’ffender and his men but a man in bull armor skates up behind Hawk and knocks him out, allowing Sparrow to be recaptured and taken away. When Hawk regains consciousness, he seeks out Tarot, who gives him some psychedelic mushrooms and leads him on a drug fueled tour of her place. Meanwhile, Sparrow is taken to see the Black Knight, Pharoh’s top enforcer, who begins the process of turning Sparrow into one of Pharoh’s slaves. Hawk is met by a spirit guide, who begins teaching him how to skate on rollerblades and along the way, he encounters a female kabuki mime armed with wiffleball bats, who helps him learn how to fight while on skates. The pair soon find themselves surrounded by a group of bandits, who begin fighting the two, as well as themselves, and Hawk and the mime manage to get away as the fight continues, while a man wrapped entirely in bandages plays a banjo. Meanwhile, the Pharoh, who is confined to a wheelchair due to a skateboarding accident, is discussing why he created the Wheelzone with his aide. Hawk and Kabuki encounter Stella Speed, a pacifist who has a sword but refuses to use it, and she agrees to join them in heading to rescue Sparrow. After a while, the trio encounter some of Pharoh’s men trying to abduct another slave. As they face off with Pharoh’s men, Fuzaki Ninja, the man in the bull armor, arrives and challenges them but Hawk is able to knock him out. As Hawk and the other’s leave, the Pharoh’s aide shows up and helps Fuzaki Ninja up before guiding him away. As Hawk and his friends continue on their journey, they encounter the bandaged banjo player, who circles around them while playing his banjo. Suddenly, a ninja skates up and kills the banjo player and knocks out Kabuki before skating away. Hawk chases after him, and eventually kills him while Stella skates off in the other direction. She is soon chased by a ninja, who corners her but when she refuses to draw her sword at the cost of her own life, he decides to spare her. Later, Hawk tries teaching Stella how to fight with a sword and the are soon joined by Kabuki, who is excited to see her friends again. The Spirit Guide takes them to where Pharoh is and the start to confront him but they find themselves caught in an ambush. Kabuki is killed by one of Pharoh’s men and as the Spirit Guide prays over her body, she is magically captured by the Black Knight, who attempts to force her to join him and the Pharoh, while, Stella is captured and tortured in one of the Pharoh’s prison cells Pharoh, who plans on marrying Sparrow, has Hawk brought before him so he can gloat before having Hawk join Stella and sending Fuzaki and his men to kill them. As they prepare to meet their end, Donaldo, along with the Spirit Guide, are able to cast a spell and knock Fuzaki and his men unconsciousness, allowing them to escape. Later, Donaldo oversees the marriage of Hawk and Stella and then gives them the sacred samurai sword of the Master of Light Institiute before Hawk and Stella hop onto Hawk’s Harley and ride off. Unknown to them, a brainwashed Sparrow and the Desert Marauder are hiding in a car and after Hawk and Stella speed away, they follow them and Sparrow shoots the bike, causing them to wreck, then kills Stella, leaving Hawk alive to chase after them.

There are absolutely no words to describe what I just watched. I’m serious. This was the most convoluted mess of a nonsensical movie I have watched in years. The acting wasn’t the worst I have ever seen but it was definitely bad. The thing that made it worse, and I honestly don’t know if it is just my copy or if this is how the movie really is, but the dialogue was completely out of sync with the actors’ mouths, and I mean worse than old school Japanese dubbing (and in case you didn’t know, that is really bad). The plot was nothing more than a series of ideas that seemed to be held together by silly string, meaning it easily fell apart at the merest touch. The worst part about it was you really had no clue who some of the people are, mainly Stella and Sparrow. For instance, at the end of the movie it seemed like Hawk married Stella but the person pointing the gun to attack them looked just like Stella, making you wonder who he actually married. Another thing that will drive you absolutely mad is the fact that they repeatedly reuse scenes throughout the movie. For a 90 minute movie, It felt like over half of it was simply the same scenes being replayed repeatedly, at times several times in a row at times. Realistically, it was probably less than 30 minutes of reuses footage but that is still way to much. This isn’t one of those “so bad, it’s good” movies, this is one of those movies you watch in order to prove that no matter how bad you feel a movie might be, there is always something worse out there.

Rating: 0 out of 5

adventure, comedy, movie, movie review, sci-fi

October 21st, 2017 Movie – Spaceballs


There is no better way to start a Saturday than with some laughs. Ok, there might be one or two better ways but starting with a laugh does make the rest of the day seem better. Now this right here happens to be one of, if not my absolute favorite, Mel Brooks movie. I think part of that is because it was the first one of his movies I ever saw in theaters. The other part is the subject that it parodies, Star Wars. Either way, it took quite a while before I ended up buying this movie on DVD. Not entirely sure why but I did decide to rectify that decision as soon as I could. So let’s have some laughs with today’s movie, Spaceballs.

The plot: The evil Spaceballs have squandered all of the clean air on their planet and come up with a plan to steal all of the air from the nearby planet Druidia. Dark Helmet, on board the massive starship Spaceball One, arrives at Druidia with the intention of kidnapping the Princess Vespa when she leaves for her honeymoon and ransoming her for the combination to Druidia’s air shield. On Druidia, Vespa doesn’t want to marry Prince Valium but King Roland says she has too; as he is the last prince and she must marry someone of noble blood. After walking down the aisle, Vespa races past the altar and heads to her car and leaves Druidia, taking Dot Matrix, her droid-of-honor, with her. On planet Spaceball, President Skroob denies reports about that planet’s limited air supply when he gets word that Helmet has spotted Princess Vespa. Skroob heads to the control room, choosing to walk after a transporter accident put his head on backwards, and after seeing Vespa’s position on the radar, orders Helmet to continue with the plan. Spaceball One begins firing on Vespa’s Mercedes and Vespa calls her father for help, while Helmet chastises the gunner and learns that he is surrounded by assholes. Roland contacts a mercenary called Lone Starr and his sidekick Barf, a Mog (half-man, half-dog), and begs them to save Vespa, offering them anything. Lone Starr asks for $1 million space bucks, which he needs to payback the notorious gangster Pizza the Hutt, and Roland agrees. Lone Starr and Barf locate Vespa, who has been caught in Spaceball One’s magna-beam, and they jam Spaceball One’s radar so they can approach the Mercedes undetected. Barf then climbs down a ladder to get Vespa and Dot but Vespa refuses to leave her matched luggage and so Barf is forced to carry it onto their Winnebago and they fly off just as the Mercedes is brought aboard Spaceball One. In the hangar, Helmet approaches the Mercedes only to find it empty and when the radar technician says the radar is repaired and they picked up a Winnebago, Helmet realizes that Lone Starr had saved her. The Spaceballs give chase and when Lone Starr tries to get away by going to light speed, Helmet orders Colonel Sandurz to go to “ludicrous speed”, which causes them to overshoot Lone Starr and when Sandurz pulls the emergency brake, Helmet goes flying into a control panel. Meanwhile, Lone Starr and Barf drop their Winnebago out of light speed only to find that the used up all of their fuel and are forced to crash onto the desert moon of Vega. Lone Starr and Vespa, who had been arguing over the intercom during their escape, finally come face to face and, after a brief hesitation, begin arguing again until Barf reminds them that Helmet will be coming back to look for them. Lone Starr says they should take only what they need to survive but Vespa insists they take all of her luggage. As Lone Starr and Barf carry the bulk of her bags, they stop and open up the giant trunk they are carrying to find a giant hair dryer inside and after arguing with Vespa about it, leaves it in the sand, as he and Barf pick up the now lighter trunk and continue carrying it. Back on Spaceball One, Dark Helmet and Sandurz can’t find any sign of Lone Starr or the others on their scanners so Sandurz tells a crew member to get a copy of Spaceballs. Helmet voices his confusion to Sandurz, as they are in the middle of filming it, but Sanderz tells him it is the latest in home video marketing. They watch the tape fast forwarding through everything that has already happened and, after a confusing moment where they are watching what is being filmed right that second, they soon find out where Lone Starr and Vespa are. On Vega, the group is camping for the night and Lone Starr and Vespa are talking about why Vespa ran from her wedding and the mystery surrounding Lone Starr’s parents, as his only clue is the medallion around his neck. As they get closer, the two are about to kiss when Dot Matrix’s “Virgin Alarm” goes off and she quickly breaks them apart. The next day, the group continues moving through the desert and end up passing out from dehydration (or lack of oil in Dot’s case) but they are rescued by the Dinks, a race of hooded desert dwellers, and taken to their home, the Temple of Yogurt, the Everlasting Know-It-All. Yogurt explains that he is the guardian of the Schwartz, while he and the Dinks sell Spacsballs merchandise from his temple. Later, Yogurt takes a look at Lone Starr’s medallion and is able to read the inscription but tells Lone Starr he can’t reveal what it says until the proper time. He then trains Lone Starr in using the Schwartz, having him lift up the giant statue, which Lone Starr succeeds in doing but then accidentally drops it on Barf’s foot. Outside, Helmet and Sandurz have their men combing the desert, literally, when Helmet senses the presence of the Schwartz. Sandurz locates the temple doorway and Helmet is upset to see the sign of Yogurt on the door, telling Sandurz that Yogurt has the upside of the Schwartz while he has the down side. Unable to go inside, Helmet disguises himself as King Roland and calls out to Vespa. Vespa runs out to her father only to find that it is really Helmet and both Vespa and Dot are captured. Yogurt gives Lone Starr some gas so he and Barf can go after them and as they say goodbye, he gives Lone Starr the Ring of the Schwartz and a fortune cookie, telling him to open it before he eats it. Meanwhile, Helmet takes Vespa to Spaceball City, where he contacts King Roland and threatens to have plastic surgery performed on Vespa to give her back her old nose unless Roland gives them the combination to the air shield. When Vespa faints, Roland agrees to give them the combination and once he does, Helmet comments on how “1,2,3,4,5” is the combination an idiot would use for his luggage. Skroob shows up and after hearing the combination, which he says is the same as his luggage, he orders Spaceball One prepped to leave and tells them to change the combination on his luggage. Lone Starr and Barf arrive at Spaceball City and knock out some guards so they can steal their uniforms and sneak inside. Once inside, they locate the Vespa and Dot but run into some more guards and are forced to fight their way out. As they run for it, the Spaceballs believe they have them captured but ended up capturing their stunt doubles instead. Outside, the group heads for the Winnebago only to have one of the Spaceballs fuse the lock with an errant blast. Lone Starr gives Vespa the gun while he works with Barf on getting the door open and Vespa quickly shoots the remaining guards after they singe her hair with a laser blast. They head to Druidia to find that Spaceball One has transformed into a giant robot maid and is using a vacuum cleaner to suck up all the air from Druidia. Lone Starr uses the Schwartz to flip the vacuum’s switch to reverse the air flow, restoring the air to Druidia, then flies inside the robot’s head to search for a self destruct button. After locating it, he heads outside to activate it, knocking out the guards along the way, but before he can press the button, he is confronted by Helmet. The two use their Schwartz rings to fashion lightsabers and begin fighting, with Helmet killing a cameraman and the two of them getting their Schwartz’s twisted, Helmet manages to trick Lone Starr and steal the ring then throw it down the drain. As Lone Starr dodges the blasts from Helmet’s ring, he is contacted telepathically by Yogurt, who tells him the ring was a fake and the Schwartz is within him. Lone Starr uses the Schwartz to grab a  mirror and uses it to reflect Helmet’s blast into Helmet’s groin, causing him to stumble back in pain and accidentally press the self destruct button. As the self destruct countsdown, Lone Starr races back to the Winnebago and they race out of there just before it explodes, while Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz end up trapped on the robot after everyone else uses all of the escape pods and they are blasted into space inside the head. The group cheers over the robot’s destruction and head down towards Druidia and as they are landing, Lone Starr and Barf see a news report that Pizza the Hutt is dead and Barf gets excited at the thought of keeping all of the money. Landing at the palace, Roland is happy to see his daughter back and shows her that Valium is there waiting for her as well, which upsets Lone Starr and he quickly leaves with Barf. The two head to a Space fueling station and as they refuel, head into the diner to get some food but when a xenomorph bursts out of the chest of a nearby space traveler, then starts singing “Hello, My Baby” (ala Michigan J. Frog), they quickly leave. Barf complains about being hungry so Lone Starr gives him the fortune cookie Yogurt gave him but when Barf opens it, the image of Yogurt appears. Yogurt tells Lone Starr that the medallion is a royal birth certificate, making him a prince, then tells him to use the special fuel in the glove compartment in order to make it back to Druidia in time to stop Vespa from marrying Valium. Meanwhile, Vespa is upset that Lone Starr took the money and left but when Roland tells her he only took $248 dollars for “lunch, gas, and tolls”, she realizes that Lone Starr loved her. Just as the minister asks her if she takes Valium as her husband, Lone Starr and Barf appears and when she learns that Lone Starr is a prince, she shoves Valium aside and agrees to marry Lone Starr. The two are wed and fly off in the Winnebago while on a distant planet, the robot maid’s head and arm land on a remote beach, where two Chimpanzees from the Planet Of The Apes witness the three Spaceballs climbing out of her nose and one of them remarks, “Oh, shit. There goes the planet.”

Spaceballs met with mixed reviews from the critics, holding a 57% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. While there isn’t a critical consensus on the site, several critics enjoyed the movie but felt it was a far cry from some of Brook’s earlier works. Mel Brooks got George Lucas’ permission to parody any and all things Star Wars related on the condition that no merchandise be produced for the movie. George Lucas did love the script and had his special effects company, Industrial Light and Magic, help with making the film, had the Millennium Falcon appear in a cameo at the diner, and also allowed Brooks to use an unused escape pod clip from Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope. The movie was a modest success at the box office, earning $38.1 million off of a $22.7 million budget but received even more success when it hit home video, becoming one of Mel Brooks most popular movies.

This is such a funny, and quotable, movie to watch. The acting was really good, with Rick Moranis (Helmet), Bill Pullman (Lone Starr), John Candy (Barf), and Mel Brooks (Skroob/Yogurt) all doing great jobs in their roles. The story was well written and did a good job of parodying Star Wars, while also ripping briefly on Star Trek, Transformers, and Planet Of The Apes as well. I have to admit that, after learning about the deal Brooks and Lucas made about no merchandising from the film being produced, it makes that whole merchandising scene with Yogurt that much funnier (side note, I loved how the “Spaceballs coloring book and lunch box” were actually a Transformers coloring book and lunch box with a Spaceballs sticker slapped on them (also, I totally had that Transformers lunch box as a kid)). I will admit, some of the comedic timing and pacing didn’t seem as good as his previous movies but there were still a lot of laughs to be had, with the pairing of Candy and Pullman, as well as Moranis with George Wyner (Sandurz) and Brooks (Skroob) making for most of the laughs involved. A really funny movie that has me geared up for some movies coming down the road.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5