dark comedy, horror, movie, movie review

June 30th, 2017 Movie – Santa’s Slay

santas slay

Ahh, a holiday themed B-movie that has been a long time favorite among my friends. So I am a long time wrestling fan and after Bill Goldberg left the WWE in 2004, this wound up being one of the first projects that he starred in. Now I was intrigued by the idea of this movie so I picked it up on DVD and was immediately hooked after the opening scene, which was ridiculously fantastic. When I had a holiday movie night a couple of years ago, I showed this movie to my friends and they all loved it just as much as I did. So let’s have some fun with today’s movie, Santa’s Slay.

The plot: On Christmas Eve, the Mason family is sitting down for dinner when their dog starts barking at the fireplace. Everyone is surprised to see Santa Claus come down the chimney and bursts through the fireplace and after saying that he is real, he proceeds to kill everyone there. That night, in the town of Hell’s Township, Nicolas Yuleson and his friend Mary “Mac” Mackenzie are working at Mr. Green’s sandwich shop and dealing with Mrs. Talbot, their cranky last customer of the night. After Mrs. Talbot leaves, she is swerving all over the road as she drives home when Santa, riding on his sleigh, is stuck behind her so he has his reindeer bump into her car, causing it to wreck. Back at the shop, Mr. Green gives Nicolas and Mac some Christmas gifts before sending them home and Mac offers to give Nicolas a ride, where they talk about how Nicolas’ grandpa doesn’t celebrate Christmas. When Nicolas gets home, he finds the house completely dark and goes down to the basement to check to power, where he surprises his Grandpa. Grandpa explains he was replacing the lights in the bunker, then shows a shocked Nicolas the bunker he built in the basement. Nicolas is worried that Grandpa might finally be going crazy but Grandpa says he knows what the people say but he would rather be safe than sorry. When Nicolas asks Grandpa the real reason why he hates Christmas, Grandpa heads upstairs and pulls an old book out of his safe. He begins reading to Nicolas about how there were two immaculate births; Jesus Christ and Santa, the child of Satan. Before Grandpa can finish the story, he is interrupted when Mac comes over, bringing a gift for Nicolas. Meanwhile, Pastor Timmons is holding a Christmas Eve service at the church but when it is over, he takes the money from the collection plate and heads to Gold Diggers, the local strip club. As Timmons heads inside, Santa arrives at the club and, after killing the doorman, heads inside and ends up killing the bouncer, bartender, and another patron that attacked him before heating up some coal and setting the place on fire, killing everyone inside except for Timmons, who had managed to escape during the fighting. Back at the Yuleson’s house, Grandpa says he is going to bed and when they are alone, Nicolas ends up insulting Mac’s family and she gets upset and leaves. Nicolas continues reading from the book of Claus and learns that Santa used to enact a Day of Slaying every year but when the people of Earth prayed for help, an angel was sent down. The angel, disguised as an old man, challenged Santa to a contest to see who could slide their stone across the frozen lake and get it closest to the opening in the lake without falling in. Santa goes first, managing to get his rock at the edge of the hole but when the old man takes his turn, his rock hit’s Santa’s, knocking it into the water and giving the old man the victory. As a result, Santa is now forced to give up the Day of Slaying for 1000 years and turn it into a Day of Joy instead. Nicolas sees that this occurred 1000 years ago and worries that Santa will be coming to kill people but after looking at the fake Santa tracker, and being told via their chat function that Santa isn’t real, Nicolas thinks Grandpa is just crazy and goes to sleep. The next day, Santa shows up at Mr. Green’s shop and kills Mr. Green then leaves, pausing as he notices a picture of Mr. Green with Nicolas and Grandpa. Nicolas goes to the gas station to get some gum when he hears on the police scanner about something happening at Mr. Green’s store and rushes there only to find Mr. Green pinned to the wall with his menorah. The police show up and Nicolas is taken to the station for questioning, where he tries to explain what is happening to Captain Caulk, but he doesn’t believe him and sends Nicolas away. As Mac shows up to pick up Nicolas and take him back home, Santa shows up at the police station and proceeds to kill all of the cops there, including Caulk. As they are driving to Nicolas’s home, Mac and Nicolas are pulled over but Nicolas realizes it is Santa and tells Mac to go, then shoots Santa with a shotgun when he manages to get on Mac’s truck. They make it to the house and tell Grandpa what is going on as he ushers them into the bunker. When some carolers show up at the house, Mac and Nicolas try to warn them away when Santa shows up and begins killing them. Mac and Nicolas ran back to the bunker as Santa breaks into the house and Grandpa has Mac grab a can with some secret keys inside, then leads them through a secret passage into the garage, where he has some snowmobiles ready to go. Santa sees Grandpa opening the garage from the bunkers monitors and goes out to confront him, distracting Grandpa long enough for Santa’s reindeer to run him over. Nicolas and Mac escape on the snowmobile but Santa chases after them, throwing exploding presents at them to try and kill them. As they try to make their way through the town, Santa follows and ends up grabbing Timmons. Nicolas and Mac break into the school to try and hide out until it is midnight at the North Pole. Santa follows them and chases them through the school into the hockey rink, where he tries to kill them with a zamboni. Suddenly, a glowing curling stone gets wedged under the zamboni, stopping it in it’s tracks, and Grandpa, revealed to be the angel that originally bested Santa, challenges Santa to another match. Santa sets the terms and Grandpa goes first but when it is Santa’s turn, he grabs Grandpa and slides him into the hole leading to Hell. Santa then goes to face Nicolas and Mac, just as Nicolas’s alarm goes off, signalling that it is midnight at the pole. Santa informs them that since all time zones converge at the poles, the actual time at the pole is discretionary, then launches a fireball at them but Nicolas uses a nutcracker to break open a chestnut, which disperses the fireball before lodging in Santa’s chest. Nicolas and Mac hear Grandpa calling for help and manage to drag him out of the hole while Santa escapes. Grandpa explains that he fell in love with Nicolas’ grandmother and gave up his powers to be with her, then tells them that Santa is powerless and they can stop him but he is unable to go with them. Nicolas and Mac head to where her brother and some other hunters are gathered and Nicolas signals for Santa’s reindeer, so the hunters can kill it. The reindeer is eventually killed by Mac’s dad, using his new bazooka, and Timmons body is found impaled on a flagpole where the sled crashed, causing people to believe he was the killer Santa. Nicolas chooses not to say anything, telling Mac that Christmas is over and Santa is gone so why should everyone live in fear. The two end up kissing while in Canada, Santa is seen getting a ticket to head to the North Pole.

This is not a “good” movie, as in one that will get rave critical reviews, but this is definitely an entertaining movie. Bill Goldberg made for a pretty intimidating Santa while Emilie de Ravin (Mac) and Robert Culp (Grandpa) were equally good, but I found Douglas Smith (Nicolas) to be rather annoying. There were a surprising amount of cameos in this movie that were all well done, some with bigger roles such as Dave Thomas (Timmons) and Saul Rubinek (Mr. Green), but the best was the opening scene, with Fran Drescher, James Caan, Chris Kattan, as part of the Mason family that gets killed in the first 5 minutes. The story was interesting, basically making Santa the Antichrist, which honestly kind of reminded me of an old Church Lady skit on SNL where Dana Carvey commented about how similar Satan and Santa were. The special effects were decent, though laughably bad at times. A lot of the kill scenes were pretty funny and as much as I love the opening scene for how funny it is (seriously, I can’t say enough on that scene), the scene in the strip club was also funny, such as when Santa went to grab the stripper pole to use as a weapon and he stops, makes a face, and proceeds to wipe it down first. A fun horror movie to watch when you get tired of all the holiday cheer.

Rating: 4 out of 5

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One thought on “June 30th, 2017 Movie – Santa’s Slay

  1. Pingback: I have this movie and enjoyed it – Crappy Writing

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