Ahh, my favorite bit of false advertising when it comes to movies. Take a look at the poster for this movie. Pretty awesome, right. I mean, you have Robocop holding some guy in a headlock while firing a machine gun. What’s not to like about that. Well, when I finally got a chance to watch it, man was I in for a disappointment. See for yourself.
See, this is what you wind up getting in the movie. Definitely a bit of a disappointment, but let’s see if the rest of today’ movie is just as disappointing as I watch Robo Vampire.
The plot: Two soldiers are leading their prisoner through am old graveyard when one of them trips and accidentally knock open a casket covered in holy seals. As the soldier starts to get up, a hand reaches up out of the crypt and a vampire attacks and kills him, then kills the second soldier as he is struggling with the prisoner. Elsewhere, some drug smugglers are bringing in some drugs when they are confronted by an anti drug unit and forced to flee. At his headquarters, Cole, the boss of the drug operation, is yelling at his henchmen about Agent Tom Wilde and his Anti-Drug force. He tells them that he has hired someone to train vampires to kill Tom, and find a new way to smuggle their heroin. At a temple, two men, Tony and Ken, are stuffing packets of drugs into coffins when the vampires inside the coffins wake up and start attacking them. The doctor that is training the vampires manages to rescue Tony and Ken, using wards to subdue the vampires, and afterwards, examines the drugs and finds that they are actually rice powder and says that Boss Cole will punish them. As Cole informs his workers about the new way they will be smuggling their drugs, a woman is shown cutting open a cow’s stomach and placing drugs inside before sealing it closed. As the doctor is creating another vampire beast for two of Cole’s men, he is attacked by a ghost, who is seeking vengeance on him for turning her love into a vampire beast. As the ghost gets the upper hand over the doctor, the doctor wakes the vampire beast and has him fight the ghost but he stops when the ghost is able to get him to recognize her. As the doctor grows upset, one of Cole’s men suggests giving them the wedding that the two lovers were denied in life and the doctor agrees to do this provided that both the ghost and vampire agree to do his bidding and the ghost accepts. The next day, Tom gets a tip from a double agent named Sophie about a drug run and he heads out with a team to stop them. Two of Tom’s agents are killed, as are the two bodyguards but the doctor is able to summon two vampires to kill Tom and the remaining agent, then drives away. Tom’s body is recovered and a scientist is given permission to use his body to create an android to continue the drug task force’s operation. Meanwhile, the doctor and Richard, one of Cole’s lieutenants, discuss the fact that they have a traitor in their midst and the doctor suggests killing every drug task force officer the encounter. Cole’s men capture Sophie, who was undercover posing as an assistant to a priest that was a front for the drug smuggling. Worried about Sophie possible being tortured and giving up classified information, the task force hires someone to head to the Golden Triangle and rescue her from Mr. Young, Cole’s partner. Meanwhile, the doctor and Richard continue their operations and when they are stopped by some of the task force, the doctor summons a vampire to deal with them. Suddenly, the android Tom shows up and the doctor and Richard make a run for it as Tom begins fighting the vampire. Meanwhile, the team to rescue Sophie is ambushed by Young’s men but they find themselves rescued by a mercenary named Andy, whom Ray, the team leader, had contacted about joining the mission due to his knowledge of the region and his own reason to take down Cole. Ray, finds one of the men that was holding Sophie hostage and manages to capture him. As he starts to interrogate him, the man’s mocking causes Ray to almost kill him but Andy stops him at the last second. Meanwhile, Tom is continuing to track down Cole and his men when he is attacked by 4 vampires. Tom manages to fight them off only for Cole’s men to blow him up with a bazooka so the scientist is forced to rebuild him. Ray and the team continue searching for Sophie and after an encounter with some of Cole’s men, they find the people of a nearby village had been completely killed off. Elsewhere, the doctor is performing the marriage ceremony for the ghost and vampire and as they are consummating the marriage, Tom shows up. The ghost begs him not to kill them and Tom, spurred on by memories of his own love, chooses to let them live. As he leaves, the ghost and vampire attack him but he is able to fend them off and trap them inside a coffin. Meanwhile, Ray and Andy’s sister, May, had snuck off to be alone and find themselves chased by Young and some of his men. They try to get away but end up being captured and tortured just like Sophie was but one of the worker girls chooses to help them escape. At the same time, Andy leads the rest of the team to rescue them and two members are killed but they are able to free Ray and the others, rescue Sophie, and blow up Young’s base. Cole is complaining about Young’s defeat and asks the doctor to help him re-establish his empire but before they get started, Tom shows up. The doctor summons his vampires and Tom ends up fighting them throughout the city. Meanwhile, the doctor is attacked by the ghost but he manages to kill her. Seeing Tom finishing off the last of his vampires, the doctor summons some more and as Tom fights them, he plans to use his magic to make them stronger but the ghost returns and kills the doctor, allowing Tom to kill the last of the vampires and leave the city.
This is the most confusing, ridiculous movie I have seen in quite a while, and it is absolutely hilarious because of it. The acting was ok but the dubbing was pretty atrocious at times, which really added to the humor of the movie. The funniest part though was how the vampires moved, because they would hold their arms straight out and just hop around to move. I almost literally was rolling on the floor laughing at that. The story was a confusing mess, as it kept switching back and forth between the robo-warrior Tom and Ray’s mission to rescue Sophie. It honestly felt like two separate movies were being smashed together to try an make one full movie but they left out half of the important plot elements. The special effects were about as low budget as you would expect, from the cheap looking robot suit to the fact that you could see some wires for the vampires in some scenes, like when Tom uses his flamethrower to kill a vampire and you see the flames catch the wire holding the dummy on fire. There were also several times where you can blatantly see the dummies being blown up or thrown around which was really funny. Not a great movie by any standards but definitely funny in a bad way and worth watching if you want to laugh at something completely ridiculous.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5