Holy crap am I tired. So I was going to be going into work early today because I knew I was going to have an incredibly busy day and for some reason, woke up at 1 this morning, thinking my alarm had gone off. After taking a shower, I realized what time it was and went back to bed, only to wake up about 90 minutes later. Eventually, my alarm went off and I dragged my tired ass to work for what wound up being almost 15 hours of absolute hell. My one solace in all this is that I will get a decent chunk of overtime on my paycheck. That is almost enough to get me through today’s movie, yet another Godfrey Ho movie called Ninja: The Protector.
The plot: A group of black clad ninjas enter a secret room and begin taking out stacks of money from their bags before their master, a red clad ninja, enters the room. One of the ninjas hands their master a sword, saying the traitor is dead, and the master uses the sword to cut the traitor’s uniform to pieces before breaking the sword. At a Hong Kong police station, Gordon Anderson has assembled a team together to work with Interpol in stopping a forgery ring in the city. He shows the team pictures of the major players; Bruce, the leader and the red ninja, Albert, nicknamed “Four Eyes”, is the broker, Susan, the organizer, and Warren, an undercover Interpol agent who is working his way into the gang. One of the agents also shows a picture of Lily, Albert’s girlfriend, and Warren’s brother David, who he describes as a playboy and a trouble maker. At that moment, David had borrowed someone’s dirtbike and when the guys start messing with him, he starts a fight with them but the numbers prove to be too much and he is forced to run. Meanwhile, a woman calls Susan, saying the quality of the forgeries is good and asks for one hundred thousand more before she leaves for Paris. Susan hangs up with her just as Warren walks into her office, and she offers him $3000 as a starting salary, which Warren accepts. Back at the police station, Andy and John walk in and Gordon tells them that Warren managed to get into the gang but he is dealing with personal problems involving his girlfriend Judy and David. When they ask if they can help, Gordon says they can’t and instead, tells them to run a check on Bruce’s associates. Later, Gordon spots one of Bruces men carrying a bag full of counterfeit money and, donning his camo ninja garb, he confronts the man, who quickly changes into his own ninja outfit and the two fight. Bruce’s man tries to burn Gordon with a sudden blast of fire but Gordon is able to leap out of the way and throws a shuriken into the ninja, wounding him long enough for Gordon to handcuff him to a nearby bench. Gordon then calls the station and leaves an anonymous tip with Andy to head to the park. Andy and John get there and find the ninja but when they ask who did this to him, the man says that “Only a ninja can defeat a ninja”, prompting Andy to ask “What’s a ninja?” Andy and John return to the station to tell Gordon, who is happy to see the man captured, though Andy lies about how they caught him. Meanwhile, Warren returns to Susan’s office, where Susan invites him to her villa as a reward for his hard work. The two end up running on the beach, followed by them having sex, then Susan takes him to a villa, which she says is his, as well as tells him she bought a motorcycle for his brother. Warren tells David and Judy and David is happy to get the bike and takes it for a ride but Judy is skeptical about how Warren could afford the stuff. Bruce calls Susan and tells her Tiger was killed and that she should warn Albert. Warren is getting ready for another gig when a woman tries to pick him up but Susan quickly interrupts it but when Warren leaves, she proceeds to make a deal with the woman for some counterfeit money. As Susan walks away, she runs into Albert and Lily and relay’s Bruce’s message and after asking if there was anything else, Albert asks about Warren and Susan says she will loan him to Albert to use for collecting money. Meanwhile, Bruce calls a man named Badger, who is carrying some counterfeit money, but after getting off the phone, the cab Badger is in is stopped by Gordon. While Badger is handcuffed by the officer with Gordon, Gordon chases after the driver, who turns out to be a ninja, and after a brief battle, Gordon leaves the man cuffed to a jungle gym. Warren is at a club and trying to keep the women to leave him alone when he spots Lily being harassed by some drunks and goes to help her but ends up getting injured. Lily takes him back to her place to tend to his wound and the two end up having sex. Meanwhile, Judy, who had tried to kill herself, is in the hospital and David is trying to get her to talk to him but when she continues to call out for Warren, he tries calling him on the phone. Bruce calls a man, who had received a picture of Gordon (who Bruce refers to as Jason Hart) and tells the man to take care of him. The man tries using a blow gun to kill Jason but Jason is able to block the dart and then after a brief sword fight, kills the ninja. Warren shows up at the hospital but David is upset with Warren not being there for Judy and leaves and Warren goes to see Judy and apologizes to her, promising to quit modeling. Meanwhile, Albert finds out about Lily and Warren and he proceeds to beat and rape her. Andy and John check in with Jason before he tells them to leave, then he goes into the woods and sees two men making an exchange for counterfeit money. Jason handcuffs one of the men and kills the other, who happens to be one of Bruce’s ninjas. Meanwhile, Warren meets with Albert, who tries to get Warren to smuggle counterfeit money for him but when Warren refuses, Albert says he sent a gift to Warren’s house. As Warren leaves, Albert shows Lily what he gave Warren, which turns out to be pictures of Warren and Lily having sex. When Judy sees the pictures, she rips them up while yelling at Warren before she leaves, followed by David. Jason calls Warren and tells him that things are at a critical moment and to not let David screw around. David goes for a ride on his bike and ends up getting attacked by the men he was fighting with earlier. The men tie him up and drag him through the hills but David manages to get free and starts fighting back and inadvertently kills one of the men. As the other men run off, David’s friends show up and seeing what happened, they take David to get some help and end up seeing Albert. Lily calls Warren and tells him to meet her at the hotel, where she plans to tell Warren about Albert’s illegal activities in order for them to have a chance at surviving. Meanwhile, Albert gives David some money but when he learns that David is Warren’s brother, Albert tells David that Warren is in danger and that Lily is planning on killing him and that David can save him but when David leaves, Albert starts laughing and David’s “friends” say that they hope David dies. At Lily’s hotel room, David shows up and after slapping her around, warns her to stay away from Warren but when he leaves, a man emerges from one of the closets and stabs her, leaving her body for Warren to find. Bruce calls Susan and has her meet him, where he tells her to kill Jason but when she enters Jason’s house, he senses her presence and ends up killing her with a crossbow. Meanwhile, Judy tells David that Warren was framed for Lily’s murder and David drives off and shows up at Albert’s house and proceeds to beat the men there. Albert tries to shoot David but hits one of his men but as David and Albert fight, Albert knocks out David. As he reaches for the gun, Warren appears and points the gun at Albert. The two then start fighting and Albert attempts to stab Warren with a knife but David revives long enough to shoot Albert before passing out again. Back at the station, Andy and John tell Jason he received a gift and Jason sees that it is a pair of swords, intended to be a challenge. Jason accepts the challenge and he fights with Bruce as they both ride motorcycles. After jousting for a bit on the bikes, Bruce disappears and Jason runs after him, eventually catching up to him near a small pagoda. The two continue to fight and Jason uses some smoke coming from his sword hilt as a distraction to throw a shuriken into Bruce’s chest, and Jason declares himself the ninja champion before he walks off.
I think my head just about exploded while watching this movie. This was so utterly ridiculous that it is hard to wonder if this wasn’t intentionally being over the top stupid. The acting/dubbing was hilariously bad. Some of my favorite parts were Andy and John asking Gordon/Jason about ninjas, and him telling them they were mythical creatures, then Andy and John repeatedly telling him that they were capturing these Mythical creatures. And that is something that seriously bothered me. According to IMDB, Richard Harrison’s character is listed as Gordon Anderson (technically it is Ninja Master Gordon Anderson) but during the movie, Bruce refers to him as Jason Hart. Seriously, can we make up our minds on what the guy’s name is. Anyways, the story was pretty good but I am curious as the movie had an original run time of 92 minutes but the version I had was heavily edited and is only 67 minutes. I have to wonder what the 25 minutes that got cut out could have added to this movie. The fight scenes were absolutely ridiculous, brief as they were, with the motorcycle jousting at the end ranking right up there with one of the craziest things I had seen in a movie in a while. Definitely worth watching in order to get in some laughs, but be mindful of possible brain trauma while you do.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5