Lists, lists, and more lists. There is a list for just about everything. One list in particular is relevant to today’s movie and that is “The Worst Movie Ever Made.” Now you will probably find several hundred such lists on the internet but if there is one thing that they will all most likely have in common, today’s movie will be somewhere near the top of the list. Widely regarded as one of the worst movies ever made, many of my friends are saying to themselves, “Of course Joey owns this movie.” So without further ado, allow me to present today’s movie, Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
The plot:Michael, along with his wife Margaret, Daughter Debbie, and the family dog Peppy, are travelling outside of El Paso, TX looking for Valley Lodge. Turning onto a dirt road when they see a sign for the lodge, they continue driving, but a couple making out in a car nearby comments that there is nothing down that road after the car drives off. Driving down the road, the family soon realize they are lost and decide to turn around and head back to the highway. Seeing a house close by, they decide to stop and ask the man standing outside the house for directions. The man introduces himself as Torgo and says he takes care of the place for “the Master.” When they ask where Valley Lodge is Torgo says there is no place like that near there and, with it getting dark, Michael decides that they should just stay the night at the house, though Margaret does not want to stay there. Inside the house, the family sees a picture of the Master and his dog, and Michael asks Torgo about the Master and Torgo says he is away but always with them. As Torgo prepares to show them to the bedrooms, they hear a horrible howl outside that frightens Margaret. As Michael goes outside to check out the noise, Peppy runs outside and begins barking at something. Michael grabs his gun and flashlight from the car and discovers the body of Peppy nearby. Margaret decides that they need to leave so Michael agrees but when he tries to start the car, it refuses to turn over. Inside the house, Margaret says that she will be glad to leave but Torgo says it will be dangerous to leave as the Master wants her. Torgo says that the Master wants her as his bride but the Master can’t have her because Torgo wants her and says he will protect her. When Michael comes back inside, he asks Torgo where the phone is but Torgo says that there is not a phone in the house. When they notice that Debbie is missing, Michael and Margaret go frantic looking for her but they find her outside walking with the large dog from the painting. When they question Debbie where she was, they discover the Master lying on a stone slab and his brides standing against pillars around him.Michael has Margaret and Debbie go in the bedroom and lock the door while he gets some answers from Torgo. Meanwhile, Torgo approaches the body of the Master, saying that the Master can’t have Margaret because he wants her. Torgo knocks Michael out and ties him to a nearby pole while he goes back to the house. Meanwhile, two cops pull up to a car and tells the couple making out in it to leave (for the second time that day) and the couple tells the cops to go bother the other couple that drove down the road. Suddenly, the Master wakes up and prays to his diety Manos before waking his brides. An argument starts between the brides about what to do with the family and Manos yells at them to be quiet, saying he will deal with Torgo, as he was the one that brought the family to the house, as well as the first wife.. When he leaves, the brides continue arguing and soon start fighting over what should be done. Meanwhile, the Master approaches Torgo and says that Torgo has failed them and Torgo must die. Torgo tries to defy the master but the Master ends up hypnotizing Torgo, then leads him back to where the women are still fighting and breaks up the fight. While this is happening, one of the wives unties Michael and tries to wake him but fails. Manos orders the brides to kill Torgo and says that his first bride must be sacrificed to Manos as well. The first bride is tied to a pole and the other brides proceed to attack Torgo but do not kill him. Michael finally comes to and makes his way back to the house to get Margaret and Debbie. Back at the altar, Manos calls off the brides and then severs and burns Torgo’s left hand, laughing as Torgo goes running into the desert with the wound still burning. Manos then sends the the brides to get the family before the night is over while he prepares his first bride to be sacrificed, but she mocks him and says that his power is fading. Michael, Margaret, and Debbie run off into the desert but realize that they have no choice but to head back to the house to wait out the night. Seeing a rattlesnake nearby, Michael shoots at it, which catches the attention of the two deputies but they don’t see anybody and decide to keep on their patrol. When Michael and his family reach the house, they are greeted by the master and Michael fires his revolver at the master but it has no effect. Some time later, two women are driving along the highway when they turn down the dirt road, passing the same couple making out in their car. With a storm coming, they stop at the house and Michael greets them, saying he takes care of the house for the Master, while at the Master’s lair, it is shown that both Margaret and Debbie have become the Master’s brides.
If you are a fan of bad movies, like me, then you will love this movie for how bad it is but for the everyday movie watcher, you will absolutely hate this one. This movie is bad on so many levels that it is a wonder it was ever made. The acting is terrible. The story makes almost no sense. The camera work and editing is atrocious. Even when it was shown on MST3K, Dr. Forrester and Frank actually apologized to Joel and the bots for showing them this movie. That is how bad it is. But everyone has heard all of this about this movie before, so I decided to try and find something good and redeeming about it, and I have. There is a redeeming quality about this movie and that is…….it’s short. Granted, it is not the shortest movie I own but at 68 minutes, it ranks up there. So if you want to torture someone for an hour, this is the perfect thing to make them watch.
Rating: 1 out of 5