movie review

September 1st, 2015 Movie – Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

jesus christ vampire hunter

Heh, given the situation in Kentucky right now, I find it pretty funny to be watching this movie today. The reason being that the people losing their minds about same-sex being legal would absolutely flip their shit over this movie. Have you ever seen the title of a movie and just thought to yourself, “That is totally messed up. I have got to watch this.” Well that is exactly what went through my head when I first heard about this movie. Of course, with my penchant for buying movies that have an interesting title, I bought it.

The plot: One night, a woman is getting into her car when she is attacked by a vampire. The next day, Father Alban and Father Eustace are discussing the situation and they decide that Father Alban must go to Jesus for help. Father Alban and his driver, Father Avellino, find Jesus performing a baptism in a nearby lake, but when they try to explain the situation, Jesus is reluctant to go into battle right away. At that moment, a trio of vampires, led by Maxine Shreck and capable of surviving in the daylight, attack Jesus. Jesus begins to fight back and orders the priests to bless the lake, but Maxine kills them as they accomplish the task. Jesus throws the other two vampires into the lake, where the holy water kills them, but when he notices the dead bodies of the priests, looks for Maxine but is unable to find her. Jesus heads into town where, after a brief song and dance number, he meets with Father Eustace who leads him to a place to stay before they leave to discuss the situation. Father Eustace shows Jesus some pictures of some missing congregation members and Jesus recognizes one of them as Maxine, the woman that killed Alban and Avellino. After his meeting with Eustace, Jesus buys some wood to make stakes, but on his way back to his place, he is attacked by a group of atheists. Jesus defeats his attackers then returns home, where he finds Mary Magnum waiting for him. Mary informs him of a possible source of information and they agree to go look for him but first, Mary decides that they need to get Jesus some less conspicuous clothing. As Jesus tries on clothing he notices Maxine come in so he grabs Mary and hides in one of the dressing rooms. They hear Maxine ask the store owner where a man named Johnny is and when she leaves, they follow her. Maxine leads them to a nearby hospital, where they witness a mad doctor, Dr. Praetorious, cutting the skin off of a girl before he speaks with Maxine and another vampire named Johnny Golgotha, telling them that he needs more another lesbian for his experiments. The two vampires head to a “lesbian drop-off center”, where they proceed to attack all of the lesbians in the building. Jesus and Mary catch up to them and chase them up to the roof and begin to fight the two vampires but Maxine kills Mary while Johnny proceeds to beat Jesus unconscious. Regaining consciousness, Jesus stumbles along the street seeking help but everyone ignores him until finally, a cross-dresser sees him and takes him back to his place to heal. After recovering, Jesus begins questioning what he should do next when God talks to him, via a bowl of ice cream, and tells him to seek out the saint of wrestling. Jesus meets up with the Mexican luchador, Santos, who agrees to help Jesus on his quest. The two men return to the clothing shop, where Jesus questions the shop owner about Johnny’s location and, after some persuasion from Santos, the owner directs them to a local night club. After watching the opening act at the club, Jesus decides to go on stage but during his performance, he notices that all of the patrons, besides Santos and his manger, are vampires. Jesus and Santos begin fighting the vampires but when Jesus gets knocked down some stairs, Santos and his manager, Gloria Oddbottom, are captured by Johnny and Maxine. Finding the club practically deserted when he comes back up, Jesus heads back to his place but he winds up being ambushed by Maxine, Johnny, and Mary, now a vampire. Forcing Jesus to come with them, they lead him to a junkyard where Jesus is greeted by Father Eustace, who has also become a vampire. Jesus is tied between two cars and the vampires get ready to tear him in half, but Santos manages to free himself and help Jesus get free. As the two men face the vampires, a news team reports on the battle. Dr. Praetorious sees the fight on TV, but is confused when he sees Jesus standing before him. Jesus battles the doctor and the vampires simultaneously, managing to defeat the doctor, but Johnny manages to get the upperhand on Jesus, allowing Eustace to stab him in the chest with a stake. Suddenly, the sky grows dark, and Jesus pulls the stake from his chest, allowing a holy light to shine forth, killing Johnny and Eustace. Santos manages to cover a vampire named Maggie and asks Jesus to heal her, which he does. Jesus also heals Mary and, after she begs him, heals Maxine, since Mary was in love with her. After delivering a brief sermon at the park, Jesus heads to the airport to see Santos and Maggie off, before he leaves with Gloria Oddbottom.

Not quite what I expected but this was a fairly entertaining movie in it’s absolute randomness. The acting was about what you would expect for a low budget picture. The story was insane, but in a funny way. The idea of Jesus fighting vampires during his second coming was pretty funny in itself. The action scenes were pretty bad but also funny because of how bad they were. Then there was the music…, that’s about the only way to describe it. I won’t say that this is a great movie but it can be pretty entertaining to watch.

Rating: 2 1/2 out of 5


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